Brianna said to me this evening that today was the second best Christmas she's ever had...she said she got to spend the whole day with Jaydan, her boyfriend. I asked what the first was and she said, "Christmas with daddy." I was surprised by this statement this evening since this is the first Christmas it's just the two of us...wading our way through a year of firsts and we're not even halfway done.
This morning Bri woke me up and asked if I wanted to come downstairs to open presents by the tree or if she could bring them up and open them on my bed. We opened them on my bed - just the two of us enjoying a quiet Christmas morning together. After that we drove to her friends' houses and played Santa with her friends. We ended the sleigh ride at Jaydan's where she hung out while I came home to take a nap.
This week has been hard on me. We went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra in Denver which was the first concert I've seen in fifteen years without Mike. Then on Christmas Eve I went to service by myself and then home to wrap presents by myself. There was no one to share this quiet time with - just me and the Christmas music. Today we spent the evening with Jaydan's family for dinner - another quiet affair where I barely saw my child except over the dinner table.
Now that this holiday is behind us we are moving on to another big one: New Year's Eve/Day. I remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of 2009 and thinking that 2009 has to be better than the last two months of 2008. And New Year's Eve 2009 I thought 2010 has got to be the year - Mike did the transplant and life would get back to "normal." Now we're at 2010/2011 and I know better than to think anything. I know that I need to get through this day - the next holiday in the long line of firsts.
I was worried how Bri would take to this first Christmas - the day Jesus was born for our sins. I worried that she would remember all the Christmases of past and be sad because her dad and brother were not here to celebrate with her or if she'd be upset because there were a few less presents under the tree this year. She smiled at me and told me it was her second favorite Christmas - it brings tears to my eyes to think that God and Mike smiled down on her on this day to bring her joy (maybe Jaydan had something to do with it as well.)
Merry Christmas to all and all a goodnight!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
SILENT SCREAM
AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHA - that is how I feel today. How can one person be so high and happy one second and want to slit her wrists the next? I hate this feeling...why can't I be normal? Why must this be so difficult? Why must I keep a dog that I hate and why would Mike make me promise to keep a dog he knew I hated? Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why you? Why any of us?
Where is the manual for life? What do I have to do to get through this day? Who cares? How did we get to this exact point in life? When I was little I never dreamt that today I would be sitting in the exact spot I am and so completely clueless...
How do I get out of bed tomorrow? How do I look at my child without bursting into tears? How do I babystep my way back to normal? What is normal?
ahahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah!
Where is the manual for life? What do I have to do to get through this day? Who cares? How did we get to this exact point in life? When I was little I never dreamt that today I would be sitting in the exact spot I am and so completely clueless...
How do I get out of bed tomorrow? How do I look at my child without bursting into tears? How do I babystep my way back to normal? What is normal?
ahahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving of many more holidays to come where someone is missing from the festivities. Bri and I were supposed to go to MT to visit my sisters but our plans changed at the last minute. We are very used to the plans changing so we take it in stride now. Nobody would ever guess that I hate change - of any kind. I've gotten so good at adapting that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We spent the morning in our pjs with Heather and Kenzie for Heather's birthday while her fiance had to work at the police department. She made us fresh coffee and cinnamon rolls.
Then we made ourselves pretty and drove the five minutes to the Chain Gang house where she spent the entire time (except for the five minutes to get food) in the basement snuggled up on the sofa with Jay (don't worry - there was plenty of adult supervision and random hand checks.) We had a great time - made some new friends, ate too much and relaxed. It wasn't the same Thanksgiving we had last year but I am trying to look to the present and future instead of second guessing what has already happened and comparing each day with last year's.
Today I got out of bed and started the tedious process of cleaning the house in preparation for the Christmas decorations. Bri wants to go all out this year so come on by and help celebrate. As I was sitting in the spare room going through Christmas decorations looking for the Christmas cds I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past...now my facebook page reflects this visit and all the reminders that I must deal with Christmas Past to get to Christmas Present and eventually Christmas Future. It has been a reflective day - but one I got through unmedicated :) I know that Mike is looking down from Heaven and enjoying a new, painfree life. I want to get to that place here on earth of painfree. I also know that Christmas was not Mike's favorite time of year because he drove for UPS and it meant more work for him.
I also know that this isn't the "first" holiday we've had to deal with and it won't be the last...but we must deal with all of them one day at a time.
I called his mom and dad for Thanksgiving and my parents and several of my sisters too. I missed some people but I know that they know that I'm thinking of them and I love them. Jaydan's mom, Arylee, wrote a beautiful blog about the empty seat yesterday which made me cry but also reminded me that he may not be with me physically but he's here spiritually and emotionally and mentally.
Thank you for all the love and support. As Ayrlee said family isn't the strain of DNA you have - if that was the case then Mike was right to be upset since he didn't share anybody's DNA anymore. We are all one big family and we need to take care of each other.
We spent the morning in our pjs with Heather and Kenzie for Heather's birthday while her fiance had to work at the police department. She made us fresh coffee and cinnamon rolls.
Then we made ourselves pretty and drove the five minutes to the Chain Gang house where she spent the entire time (except for the five minutes to get food) in the basement snuggled up on the sofa with Jay (don't worry - there was plenty of adult supervision and random hand checks.) We had a great time - made some new friends, ate too much and relaxed. It wasn't the same Thanksgiving we had last year but I am trying to look to the present and future instead of second guessing what has already happened and comparing each day with last year's.
Today I got out of bed and started the tedious process of cleaning the house in preparation for the Christmas decorations. Bri wants to go all out this year so come on by and help celebrate. As I was sitting in the spare room going through Christmas decorations looking for the Christmas cds I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past...now my facebook page reflects this visit and all the reminders that I must deal with Christmas Past to get to Christmas Present and eventually Christmas Future. It has been a reflective day - but one I got through unmedicated :) I know that Mike is looking down from Heaven and enjoying a new, painfree life. I want to get to that place here on earth of painfree. I also know that Christmas was not Mike's favorite time of year because he drove for UPS and it meant more work for him.
I also know that this isn't the "first" holiday we've had to deal with and it won't be the last...but we must deal with all of them one day at a time.
I called his mom and dad for Thanksgiving and my parents and several of my sisters too. I missed some people but I know that they know that I'm thinking of them and I love them. Jaydan's mom, Arylee, wrote a beautiful blog about the empty seat yesterday which made me cry but also reminded me that he may not be with me physically but he's here spiritually and emotionally and mentally.
Thank you for all the love and support. As Ayrlee said family isn't the strain of DNA you have - if that was the case then Mike was right to be upset since he didn't share anybody's DNA anymore. We are all one big family and we need to take care of each other.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Life is a journey...
...all the cliches and the hokey movies and songs are right! You wake up one day and realize that life is putting one foot in front of the other and just doing it! Nike had it so right - JUST DO IT! I am on the journey back to fun (maybe not today or tomorrow...but one day I'm going to have fun again!)
We had the most beautiful sunrise in Colorado Springs the other morning and the rays bounced off Pikes Peak on the drive to work. I looked up and smiled knowing that Mike was smiling down on me and enjoying the view from above. He's in a better place so why can't I be? Why must I be weighed down with the guilt and the should haves and the could haves? Why can't I let go and enjoy this exact moment for what it is...a step in the journey?
The therapist said that it takes telling your grief story 200 times to start healing from a loss. I asked if blogging about it counted since so many people read about my pain and she said no. I had to verbally speak it aloud so it's no longer mine to own - to let it blow away with the wind!
Let the fun begin...
We had the most beautiful sunrise in Colorado Springs the other morning and the rays bounced off Pikes Peak on the drive to work. I looked up and smiled knowing that Mike was smiling down on me and enjoying the view from above. He's in a better place so why can't I be? Why must I be weighed down with the guilt and the should haves and the could haves? Why can't I let go and enjoy this exact moment for what it is...a step in the journey?
The therapist said that it takes telling your grief story 200 times to start healing from a loss. I asked if blogging about it counted since so many people read about my pain and she said no. I had to verbally speak it aloud so it's no longer mine to own - to let it blow away with the wind!
Let the fun begin...
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Bar
So this is way off base but in the same ballpark as some of my other blogs. Friday night I went to the gym and worked out with my trainer and then Nikki, a friend, invited me to go out w/ her. She came over and waited patiently while I showered from the gym and went to to the high school to retrieve my child for me. We went to CJ's Sports Bar which is a little dive place in the Springs but has great karoake (did I even spell that right?) I like CJ's b/c interesting things happen when I go there yet I'm protected by the people I know there (I haven't been going very long but it's like the small town pool hall where everyone knows you.) The last time we went a little Mexican guy sat next to me asking me questions and generally trying to pick me up. It was weird b/c it was so soon after becoming single. I haven't been single in almost 15 years so this was a new experience for me.
Well, we went on Friday and got a spot at the bar. I ordered my usual Coors Light (don't knock it - I wasn't supposed to have anything.) Pretty soon Nikki is up singing her song and doing her thing and a guy comes up next to me and starts chatting w/ me. Mind you I'm not very social - in fact I've been called anti-social b/c I have WAY too many issues to be allowed in public :)
I don't think I've laughed that hard in way too long but it was fun. I didn't feel threatened or overwhelmed. He was just trying to make me laugh :) He bought me a drink and left me alone. A few minutes later he'd pop back by to chat some more. He asked me what I thought of yesterday which I thought was a strange question...I told him I tried not to live in yesterday but learned to focus on tomorrow! He pulled a piece of paper from his wallet while I watched that said the same thing! It was a little bizarre.
Bizarre things have happened all my life so this wasn't that bizarre in the grand scheme of things - just off center.
I believe in the big picture and everything happens for a reason. When I was 19 I walked into a concert in Washington, DC with a friend to see Candlebox b/c I had connected w/ their song, "Far Behind." Little did I know I was walking into my destiny that cold night in December...I met Mike when a friend of his tried to pick me up and he threw me on top of the crowd to crowd surf. One thing led to another and now I'm once again single and aware that everything is connected...
Do I believe I met my soulmate on Friday night? No and I'm not looking for a soulmate. Do I think God brings people into your life, no matter how long they are there, for a reason? Yes and I believe Steven was sent on Friday to make me laugh and remind me that life is supposed to be fun :)
Get out there and enjoy it - nothing good comes from looking at the past except to learn from your mistakes and move on!
Well, we went on Friday and got a spot at the bar. I ordered my usual Coors Light (don't knock it - I wasn't supposed to have anything.) Pretty soon Nikki is up singing her song and doing her thing and a guy comes up next to me and starts chatting w/ me. Mind you I'm not very social - in fact I've been called anti-social b/c I have WAY too many issues to be allowed in public :)
I don't think I've laughed that hard in way too long but it was fun. I didn't feel threatened or overwhelmed. He was just trying to make me laugh :) He bought me a drink and left me alone. A few minutes later he'd pop back by to chat some more. He asked me what I thought of yesterday which I thought was a strange question...I told him I tried not to live in yesterday but learned to focus on tomorrow! He pulled a piece of paper from his wallet while I watched that said the same thing! It was a little bizarre.
Bizarre things have happened all my life so this wasn't that bizarre in the grand scheme of things - just off center.
I believe in the big picture and everything happens for a reason. When I was 19 I walked into a concert in Washington, DC with a friend to see Candlebox b/c I had connected w/ their song, "Far Behind." Little did I know I was walking into my destiny that cold night in December...I met Mike when a friend of his tried to pick me up and he threw me on top of the crowd to crowd surf. One thing led to another and now I'm once again single and aware that everything is connected...
Do I believe I met my soulmate on Friday night? No and I'm not looking for a soulmate. Do I think God brings people into your life, no matter how long they are there, for a reason? Yes and I believe Steven was sent on Friday to make me laugh and remind me that life is supposed to be fun :)
Get out there and enjoy it - nothing good comes from looking at the past except to learn from your mistakes and move on!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Sex and the City
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Sex and the City
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends
I never liked Sex and the City (just not into TV) but I watched the movie tonight alone and I have to say I realize when you find friends like that you should do whatever it takes to keep them.
To my friends around the country I MISS YOU! I miss getting together for drinks or crying over a heart ache or babysitting kids for each other to go out. I miss girls night where we play Scene It or pampered chef parties. I love living in Colorado but I MISS YOU ALL! From Devin in California to Jess in Texas to Hope, Michelle, and all my girls in VA to Nikki in MI and Carey in Utah to everyone in MT.
If I die tomorrow I know that I will be missed and when I wake up tomorrow I know that I am loved! I want all of you to know that I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you all again!
Cheers to all my friends
This was my blog on facebook the weekend of Bri's 11th birthday. How far we've come since that night. I watched Sex and the City 2 tonight - again by myself and thought back to that blog and couldn't remember what was going on. Now I remember that Bri had friends over in the media room and I watched it in her play room while Mike was out with some friends. I remember thinking that life was so hard and complicated since we moved to Colorado. I look back at that night and thank God for moments like that when as bad as I thought it was it was great - my daughter was healthy and having fun and my husband was doing what he loved to do - jamming with friends.
Now I sit here watching the same women and again thank God for my friends. I don't think I could have made it these last two years without you all. I sit alone for different reasons this year - more painful and obvious but I know that I will get through this with the support of all my friends. My circle of great friends has grown bigger and stronger. I cannot wait to see all of you in Las Vegas. If you cannot make it then I will plan a trip to visit you where you are...I am celebrating all of my girlfriends!
Sex and the City
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Friends
I never liked Sex and the City (just not into TV) but I watched the movie tonight alone and I have to say I realize when you find friends like that you should do whatever it takes to keep them.
To my friends around the country I MISS YOU! I miss getting together for drinks or crying over a heart ache or babysitting kids for each other to go out. I miss girls night where we play Scene It or pampered chef parties. I love living in Colorado but I MISS YOU ALL! From Devin in California to Jess in Texas to Hope, Michelle, and all my girls in VA to Nikki in MI and Carey in Utah to everyone in MT.
If I die tomorrow I know that I will be missed and when I wake up tomorrow I know that I am loved! I want all of you to know that I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you all again!
Cheers to all my friends
This was my blog on facebook the weekend of Bri's 11th birthday. How far we've come since that night. I watched Sex and the City 2 tonight - again by myself and thought back to that blog and couldn't remember what was going on. Now I remember that Bri had friends over in the media room and I watched it in her play room while Mike was out with some friends. I remember thinking that life was so hard and complicated since we moved to Colorado. I look back at that night and thank God for moments like that when as bad as I thought it was it was great - my daughter was healthy and having fun and my husband was doing what he loved to do - jamming with friends.
Now I sit here watching the same women and again thank God for my friends. I don't think I could have made it these last two years without you all. I sit alone for different reasons this year - more painful and obvious but I know that I will get through this with the support of all my friends. My circle of great friends has grown bigger and stronger. I cannot wait to see all of you in Las Vegas. If you cannot make it then I will plan a trip to visit you where you are...I am celebrating all of my girlfriends!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
New beginnings
Just a short cleansing of the soul...I visited the Thirsty Parrot last night after the Witches Brew to talk to Dale about having a memorial service - wow, that was hard. Then I said hi to Tim, the soundguy that Mike used to hang out with. It was very surreal to sit at the bar and have a Red Bull...flashbacks! Then I went w/ friends to Southside Johnny's to see Martini Shot which was an ok show. The people watching is more fun.
And NEWS FLASH: I got up and danced and didn't have a panic attack when some guy tried to bump and grind w/ me....I just moved out of his way :)
At the Witches Brew I had my angel cards read and she told me I was in a protective bubble and Mike was watching over me. She also said I should trust my gut instincts and let my sexy self live again :) True or not - it's sound advice.
And NEWS FLASH: I got up and danced and didn't have a panic attack when some guy tried to bump and grind w/ me....I just moved out of his way :)
At the Witches Brew I had my angel cards read and she told me I was in a protective bubble and Mike was watching over me. She also said I should trust my gut instincts and let my sexy self live again :) True or not - it's sound advice.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Today...
Today is two months of silence; two months of discovering how to be a single parent (for those who knew me three months ago know that I was a single parent even back then and have been for awhile); two months of miscellaneous crying, screaming, throwing things and sinking to my knees in pain. Today, October 21, 2010 is two months since my world shifted and Bri's world fell apart. In those two months Bri and I have moved, she started back at church after a long absence, we've seen more family than I ever want to see again and have been touched by more love and hugs than we thought possible. Bri and I are not naturally touchy people but we have overcome the obstacles and embrace those who need to embrace us. Are we healing? I'm not sure. Are we moving through the grief stages? Yes.
I cannot begin to imagine or understand what is rattling around in Bri's head. She turned 14 and she's a great girl. When I was 14 I was moving from city to city in Montana angry at my parents for living that lifestyle and wishing somebody died (I won't name names.) I refused to eat b/c I didn't want to be fat and I spent hours throwing a basketball just to escape into myself. I'm not saying I had an easy life but looking back on it I had more parents than I wanted - what is it like to lose a parent so early in life?
I may not do milestone blogs for each month but this one seemed appropriate in the silence of my brain. We scattered the ashes on Pikes Peak. We saved some for the football field at Hayfield High where Mike had some of his most fond memories (and had the greatest friends) and we will take some to Japan with us when we make that great journey to meet his family overseas.
I cannot begin to imagine or understand what is rattling around in Bri's head. She turned 14 and she's a great girl. When I was 14 I was moving from city to city in Montana angry at my parents for living that lifestyle and wishing somebody died (I won't name names.) I refused to eat b/c I didn't want to be fat and I spent hours throwing a basketball just to escape into myself. I'm not saying I had an easy life but looking back on it I had more parents than I wanted - what is it like to lose a parent so early in life?
I may not do milestone blogs for each month but this one seemed appropriate in the silence of my brain. We scattered the ashes on Pikes Peak. We saved some for the football field at Hayfield High where Mike had some of his most fond memories (and had the greatest friends) and we will take some to Japan with us when we make that great journey to meet his family overseas.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Later today....
In a few hours Bri and I will begin the long ride up the mountain to fulfill Mike's dying wish which was to be cremated and scattered on Pikes Peak so he could blow to New Mexico. We've saved some for Hayfield football stadium in Alexandria, Virginia where Mike played football. We have saved some to make the trek to Japan with us. I am not ready for this journey to begin or end but Bri has requested that we do this and I will do anything for my child! The camera is ready, the ashes are bagged, the gloves and scarves are out (because it will be cold) and the tissues are in the backpack - ready to wipe away tears of love, anger, frustration, rage, grief, sadness - but mostly love. He is missed!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Update
Hello, all. I haven't touched base in awhile. I am having some issues which I won't go into. Bri is finally reached the anger stage in grief so that's where she is. She is going on our church retreat next month. We were going to go to MT for Thanksgiving but we have decided to stay in town.
We are scattering the ashes on Saturday and then going to Haunted Mines (which has become an annual tradition.) Bri has asked to do it Saturday so we are going to do it. We will save some ashes to scatter on the football field at Hayfield where Mike played football in Virginia and then when we go to Japan.
The new house is ok - quiet but ok. Dakota is settling in - liking his new home-delivered salmon dog food. I'm enjoying kickboxing classes at the gym. Other than that nothing new in our world. The weather is starting to cool off so we should have snow soon.
Hope everyone is doing good. Please feel free to call/text/email. If I'm at work I won't answer but I will get back to you.
Tonya Holliday
We are scattering the ashes on Saturday and then going to Haunted Mines (which has become an annual tradition.) Bri has asked to do it Saturday so we are going to do it. We will save some ashes to scatter on the football field at Hayfield where Mike played football in Virginia and then when we go to Japan.
The new house is ok - quiet but ok. Dakota is settling in - liking his new home-delivered salmon dog food. I'm enjoying kickboxing classes at the gym. Other than that nothing new in our world. The weather is starting to cool off so we should have snow soon.
Hope everyone is doing good. Please feel free to call/text/email. If I'm at work I won't answer but I will get back to you.
Tonya Holliday
Saturday, October 9, 2010
New Journey
A friend posted a blog about the lost art of silence...I don't think it's so lost as it is denied. I know moments of silence...my child has a life of her own and you can find me sitting home on many weekends flipping channels and talking to the mouse in my family room. It is self-imposed silence as the doctor told me I am the walking wounded and am exhibiting normal anti-social behavior.
I went to the doctor last week by orders of nameless people. His exact words were, "Life is meant to be fun and you need to get back to having fun." So here I am trying to find my way back to fun. He also told me to get out of the house and surround myself with people.
Here's what I think about silence: We fill our lives up so we don't have to hear ourselves. In rediscoverying who I am I hate to hear myself...I have not been on my own since I was 18 years old so I'm not sure who I am anymore. Silence is deafening because it touches the very being of a person and overwhelms the psyche. I don't know what to do in silence :) It scares me.
Life is a series of journeys...every choice I make impacts my daughter who will impact those around her. While one journey has come to a fork in the road as Robert Frost said, "I choose the path less traveled," (or in my case one not chosen.)
I am excited to find the new me...but don't be surprised if in the moments of silence I'm overwhelmed and start screaming...it is after all a new journey :0
I'm sure I'll see you on the highway of life...I'll be the silver flash with the radio blaring and the sunroof back!
I went to the doctor last week by orders of nameless people. His exact words were, "Life is meant to be fun and you need to get back to having fun." So here I am trying to find my way back to fun. He also told me to get out of the house and surround myself with people.
Here's what I think about silence: We fill our lives up so we don't have to hear ourselves. In rediscoverying who I am I hate to hear myself...I have not been on my own since I was 18 years old so I'm not sure who I am anymore. Silence is deafening because it touches the very being of a person and overwhelms the psyche. I don't know what to do in silence :) It scares me.
Life is a series of journeys...every choice I make impacts my daughter who will impact those around her. While one journey has come to a fork in the road as Robert Frost said, "I choose the path less traveled," (or in my case one not chosen.)
I am excited to find the new me...but don't be surprised if in the moments of silence I'm overwhelmed and start screaming...it is after all a new journey :0
I'm sure I'll see you on the highway of life...I'll be the silver flash with the radio blaring and the sunroof back!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Mental Health moment
So I was pretty much told to deal with it...I wasn't and still do not think that I'm ready to "deal with it" - the loss of my husband and the first person to ever die on me in my entire world... I was told that I was a major accident waiting to happen that everyone around me could see except me!
With that said after crying for about 20 hours and contemplating the silence in my head... I went to see the doctor who told me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be for being 6 weeks into a traumatic event. He asked about suicide thoughts, sleeping habits, eating habits, work life and support network.
I told him occasional suicide thoughts but nothing serious (after all I have a child who has nobody left but me.) I'm not sleeping well b/c I wake up in the middle of the night w/ panic attacks related to guilt (guilt is a waste of time I know this but it doesn't lessen it at 2 a.m.) I'm not eating well b/c it's depressing learning to cook for 2. I thought work life was going ok but they're the ones who sent me away to deal with it so in reality it couldn't have been going that well. I generally have a good support network although I've been told I'm withdrawing from it.
So now we have the real picture of where Tonya's brain is.... the doctor said to get out and do things - do not withdraw into myself and sit home doing nothing. He also told me to seek therapy - any therapy will help Bri and me. So I am looking into that.
Since we are on the subject today we were supposed to scatter the ashes on Pikes Peak but I cannot bring myself to do it. Today one year ago we were sitting in a hospital room scared and elated that there was a potential cure...how far we've fallen :(
After I was dismissed from duties (may not be how it was intended but that's how it was received...) I went to a friend's house who told me she was waiting for me to crash. Well, here we are - the wall which doesn't move. I get to figure out a way around the wall...
We will figure out a time to scatter the ashes so Mike can blow to New Mexico but he's not going anywhere and Bri and I need to be in a better place to do that.
I took the dr. advice and went to Bri's boyfriend's freshmen football game and then w/ his family to the Air Force/Navy game. I went to the gym and had friends over to help set up the big screen. I have volunteered for the welcome committee at church and the middle school youth group. I am trying to force myself to get out of the house but balance that with Bri's need for mommy time (and lets not forget the dog :( )
Just my rantings....
With that said after crying for about 20 hours and contemplating the silence in my head... I went to see the doctor who told me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be for being 6 weeks into a traumatic event. He asked about suicide thoughts, sleeping habits, eating habits, work life and support network.
I told him occasional suicide thoughts but nothing serious (after all I have a child who has nobody left but me.) I'm not sleeping well b/c I wake up in the middle of the night w/ panic attacks related to guilt (guilt is a waste of time I know this but it doesn't lessen it at 2 a.m.) I'm not eating well b/c it's depressing learning to cook for 2. I thought work life was going ok but they're the ones who sent me away to deal with it so in reality it couldn't have been going that well. I generally have a good support network although I've been told I'm withdrawing from it.
So now we have the real picture of where Tonya's brain is.... the doctor said to get out and do things - do not withdraw into myself and sit home doing nothing. He also told me to seek therapy - any therapy will help Bri and me. So I am looking into that.
Since we are on the subject today we were supposed to scatter the ashes on Pikes Peak but I cannot bring myself to do it. Today one year ago we were sitting in a hospital room scared and elated that there was a potential cure...how far we've fallen :(
After I was dismissed from duties (may not be how it was intended but that's how it was received...) I went to a friend's house who told me she was waiting for me to crash. Well, here we are - the wall which doesn't move. I get to figure out a way around the wall...
We will figure out a time to scatter the ashes so Mike can blow to New Mexico but he's not going anywhere and Bri and I need to be in a better place to do that.
I took the dr. advice and went to Bri's boyfriend's freshmen football game and then w/ his family to the Air Force/Navy game. I went to the gym and had friends over to help set up the big screen. I have volunteered for the welcome committee at church and the middle school youth group. I am trying to force myself to get out of the house but balance that with Bri's need for mommy time (and lets not forget the dog :( )
Just my rantings....
Monday, September 27, 2010
Birthday/Homecoming
How bittersweet when on the day of Bri's birth I look at her and remember the very day she was born and what was going on...who was there, what was said and the love surrounding her. Bri was born with a hole in her abdomen and her intestines were outside her body. I had a planned c-section 3 weeks early to keep her intestines whole. She was so tiny and quiet I had to ask if she was still in the room and then they brought her over to Mike to hold. He was so proud of his baby girl and from that moment on she had him wrapped around her little finger. She could do no wrong :)
Saturday my little girl turned 14 and she got dressed for her first homecoming dance with Jaydan, her boyfriend. She put on her pretty black dress and curled her hair and wore the necklace Jaydan gave her for her birthday. They went to dinner and then were dropped off at the high school. Bri had a blast - she came home all smiles and happy. It was good to see.
On Thursday before her birthday I took her and one of her BFFs, Hannah, to Mimi's Cafe for dinner. We had breakfast (along w/ chocolate cake.) Friday she got flowers at school which was a first for her and slept over at a friends to prolong the getting ready activities. She went to the varsity football game and watched Rampart win!
So on this memorable week when my child was born I reflect back on the last 14 years and wonder where the time went? How did we get to be standing here like we are in the exact spot God chose for us to be? Mike would be proud of his baby girl...she will always be Daddy's little girl! She's our miracle baby.
She told me she wanted to invite Mason to Japan with us if there's enough money b/c he's family and Mike would want him to go. I don't know about that but we'll see what next year brings for the remaining Holliday clan.
Next Sunday is the day we scatter Mike's ashes. October 3, 2009 was the exact day he received a new life. He was upset b/c he no longer shared the same DNA as Bri and Mason. He will be able to blow to New Mexico like he said he wanted to do. I believe he's watching over all of us and he's locked in our hearts with all the good memories to comfort us.
Saturday my little girl turned 14 and she got dressed for her first homecoming dance with Jaydan, her boyfriend. She put on her pretty black dress and curled her hair and wore the necklace Jaydan gave her for her birthday. They went to dinner and then were dropped off at the high school. Bri had a blast - she came home all smiles and happy. It was good to see.
On Thursday before her birthday I took her and one of her BFFs, Hannah, to Mimi's Cafe for dinner. We had breakfast (along w/ chocolate cake.) Friday she got flowers at school which was a first for her and slept over at a friends to prolong the getting ready activities. She went to the varsity football game and watched Rampart win!
So on this memorable week when my child was born I reflect back on the last 14 years and wonder where the time went? How did we get to be standing here like we are in the exact spot God chose for us to be? Mike would be proud of his baby girl...she will always be Daddy's little girl! She's our miracle baby.
She told me she wanted to invite Mason to Japan with us if there's enough money b/c he's family and Mike would want him to go. I don't know about that but we'll see what next year brings for the remaining Holliday clan.
Next Sunday is the day we scatter Mike's ashes. October 3, 2009 was the exact day he received a new life. He was upset b/c he no longer shared the same DNA as Bri and Mason. He will be able to blow to New Mexico like he said he wanted to do. I believe he's watching over all of us and he's locked in our hearts with all the good memories to comfort us.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Can I buy a vowel please?
I'd like to add something...I know what but I know I can't. It's too quiet in my house now. Bri has her own life as a high schooler and either is never home or has friends over all the time.
Mike's ashes came today. Bri was all excited to get a "package" until she realized what was in it. Wow, to be reducted to a bag of dirt...to realize that your life has meaning other than a physical one...to live out loud and be present in the moment - good, bad, pretty, ugly - just be here. We will be scattering the ashes on Pikes Peak on October 3. We will take some with us to Japan so Mike can return to the country he loved so much and so he can make the journey with us.
Bri turns 14 next week and it breaks my heart that her dad isn't standing next to me to celebrate these milestones with her. I know he's watching from heaven which is a way more awesome experience than what she is going through but these are the milestones she gets to live right now. The homecoming dance is on her birthday and Mike never met Jayden, her boyfriend. I'll post photos so everyone can celebrate with us.
Just me ranting...I'm ok right this minute (as long as I don't listen to the radio.)
Mike's ashes came today. Bri was all excited to get a "package" until she realized what was in it. Wow, to be reducted to a bag of dirt...to realize that your life has meaning other than a physical one...to live out loud and be present in the moment - good, bad, pretty, ugly - just be here. We will be scattering the ashes on Pikes Peak on October 3. We will take some with us to Japan so Mike can return to the country he loved so much and so he can make the journey with us.
Bri turns 14 next week and it breaks my heart that her dad isn't standing next to me to celebrate these milestones with her. I know he's watching from heaven which is a way more awesome experience than what she is going through but these are the milestones she gets to live right now. The homecoming dance is on her birthday and Mike never met Jayden, her boyfriend. I'll post photos so everyone can celebrate with us.
Just me ranting...I'm ok right this minute (as long as I don't listen to the radio.)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Mike
Hello everyone. I'm sorry I haven't updated everyone sooner. We just got internet at our new place. Bri, Dakota and I got moved in over Labor Day Weekend. Thanks to Jason, Margie, kids, Chris, Jodi, Michelle, Zack, Bri, her friend, and Jamie from work (if I forgot anyone I'm sorry) for the help. We were able to get everything moved the two miles to our new house in half a day with only minor casualties (my brain being one of them.)
We have good days and bad days like I'm sure you all do. The first day Dakota was left alone in our new house he had a panic attack and a seizure that they think was due to epilepsy so it's been interesting in my world. This is the part where I usually update everyone on Mike's health - not the dog's!
Bri and I will be planning a housewarming party so everyone can stop by. We will be taking Mike's ashes up to Pikes Peak on October 3rd to scatter him so he can blow to New Mexico. A friend had a great idea and suggested we take a little bit of Mike to Japan with us when we go. The Japan trip is planned for spring break 2012. Bri will be a junior and we want to see the cherry blossoms in bloom. Bri is saving money to go on our church youth group mission trip in 2012 as well - they are going to Kenya. Her passport will be crazy by the time she graduates.
I can't listen to the radio anymore. "Boys of Summer" came on in the car on the drive to work and I lost it. He loved playing music with each and every one of you. His xbox live friends asked me to keep his account open so they can keep him on their friends list. He loved playing online w/ them. He would have loved to watch the Redskins stomp Dallas last week - I'm sure God heard about that one :)
I will be updating the blog w/ the adventures of we three...the site is www.hollidayfamilyinco.blogspot.com. Thank you for all the love and support and prayers that have outpoured for Bri and me.
Call, text, FB or blog if you'd like - I'm back to work full time so there's no guarantee I'll answer but I promise to call back.
What I didn't say in the email is that it's rough walking into Blockbuster to get a movie on Tuesday and not getting an action/funny/horror flick so Mike can have something to do in the hospital. It's hard to watch a chick flick b/c it's too painful to watch people be happy. I watch Bri for signs of issues and have to pause every time she leaves the house she yells up the stairs, "I love you, mom." Do you know how hard it is to learn to cook for 2? It's not even fun.
I go to starbucks and almost order a frap - but I don't drink them. I almost called home to vent about work last week but realized there was no one home to vent to. I have so much free time I'm not sure what to do w/ myself anymore.
The house is too quiet - do you realize how much your men do for you? I had to hook up the big screen on my own (no small feat) and adjust my schedule to allow to let the dog out (or even feed the dog.) Mike used to play videogames all day and night b/c that's all he could do - there's no tv on at all unless Bri is watching a movie.
I know this is painful for each of you in your own way so please disregard the rantings of a crazy white single mom of a teenage girl :( I'm told that life gets a little easier day by day.
We have good days and bad days like I'm sure you all do. The first day Dakota was left alone in our new house he had a panic attack and a seizure that they think was due to epilepsy so it's been interesting in my world. This is the part where I usually update everyone on Mike's health - not the dog's!
Bri and I will be planning a housewarming party so everyone can stop by. We will be taking Mike's ashes up to Pikes Peak on October 3rd to scatter him so he can blow to New Mexico. A friend had a great idea and suggested we take a little bit of Mike to Japan with us when we go. The Japan trip is planned for spring break 2012. Bri will be a junior and we want to see the cherry blossoms in bloom. Bri is saving money to go on our church youth group mission trip in 2012 as well - they are going to Kenya. Her passport will be crazy by the time she graduates.
I can't listen to the radio anymore. "Boys of Summer" came on in the car on the drive to work and I lost it. He loved playing music with each and every one of you. His xbox live friends asked me to keep his account open so they can keep him on their friends list. He loved playing online w/ them. He would have loved to watch the Redskins stomp Dallas last week - I'm sure God heard about that one :)
I will be updating the blog w/ the adventures of we three...the site is www.hollidayfamilyinco.blogspot.com. Thank you for all the love and support and prayers that have outpoured for Bri and me.
Call, text, FB or blog if you'd like - I'm back to work full time so there's no guarantee I'll answer but I promise to call back.
What I didn't say in the email is that it's rough walking into Blockbuster to get a movie on Tuesday and not getting an action/funny/horror flick so Mike can have something to do in the hospital. It's hard to watch a chick flick b/c it's too painful to watch people be happy. I watch Bri for signs of issues and have to pause every time she leaves the house she yells up the stairs, "I love you, mom." Do you know how hard it is to learn to cook for 2? It's not even fun.
I go to starbucks and almost order a frap - but I don't drink them. I almost called home to vent about work last week but realized there was no one home to vent to. I have so much free time I'm not sure what to do w/ myself anymore.
The house is too quiet - do you realize how much your men do for you? I had to hook up the big screen on my own (no small feat) and adjust my schedule to allow to let the dog out (or even feed the dog.) Mike used to play videogames all day and night b/c that's all he could do - there's no tv on at all unless Bri is watching a movie.
I know this is painful for each of you in your own way so please disregard the rantings of a crazy white single mom of a teenage girl :( I'm told that life gets a little easier day by day.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life...or something like it!
Hello everyone. I hope you are having a good weekend. It has been an interesting week for the Holliday home. If you want to call and talk please feel free to. If I don't answer it's because I'm with a client at work. I am back to work full time. Bri is back to school. We have our good days and bad days (or should I say moments.) Boys of Summer makes me cry when it comes on the radio.
We are signing the new lease for our new place. We will be moving on Saturday so if you're in town and would like to help two truly pathetic chicas and their even more pathetic dog feel free to stop by - pizza and beer (or in my case tequila) afterwards. We are moving less than two miles away - Bri will be less than a mile from her high school. It only adds 5 minutes to my work commute.
We consider you all family and I know this is hard on every one of you. I have Audio Rehab cds as well as September Falling and Creepside Drive so if you want a copy please email or FB your address and I will send a copy next week. I want to give everyone a great big hug from us as thank you for all the support and prayers and meals. We could not have done this without all of you.
I will send out the mailing address when we have it official. As always you can either email, FB or call...
I will be participating in the Light the Night walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Sept. so come out if you're local. If you're not local (and I'm too lazy to separate the out of state family/friends) then know that we love you.
Tonya Holliday
P.S. I have changed my Yahoo IM to t_holliday1.
We are signing the new lease for our new place. We will be moving on Saturday so if you're in town and would like to help two truly pathetic chicas and their even more pathetic dog feel free to stop by - pizza and beer (or in my case tequila) afterwards. We are moving less than two miles away - Bri will be less than a mile from her high school. It only adds 5 minutes to my work commute.
We consider you all family and I know this is hard on every one of you. I have Audio Rehab cds as well as September Falling and Creepside Drive so if you want a copy please email or FB your address and I will send a copy next week. I want to give everyone a great big hug from us as thank you for all the support and prayers and meals. We could not have done this without all of you.
I will send out the mailing address when we have it official. As always you can either email, FB or call...
I will be participating in the Light the Night walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Sept. so come out if you're local. If you're not local (and I'm too lazy to separate the out of state family/friends) then know that we love you.
Tonya Holliday
P.S. I have changed my Yahoo IM to t_holliday1.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
News at 11...
Just a quick update for everyone who is on these lists. I know most of you know Mike passed away this past Saturday the 21st. He died in his sleep peacefully and is in a much better place.
I apologize if this is the first time you're hearing this news. I tried to call everyone I had numbers for.
Bri and I are doing ok. We are moving to a smaller house where we can keep Dakota. This may seem sudden but Bri turns 14 on the 25th of September and she wants to be settled in a new place to start with new memories for high school. She is taking it hard right now. She went back to school today. We are moving over Labor Day weekend so if you don't have any plans come help me out. Specific needs right now are trucks b/c I need to make a couple of landfill runs on Saturday and would like to get it done in one trip. I am cleaning Mike's basement which is a nightmare.
This is a generic email to everyone b/c I don't have the energy to sort out the locals versus those living out of state - disregard if you live too far away to help. We will be having a get together soon to celebrate Mike's life. He didn't want anything big but I'd like to see everyone. He will be cremated and scattered on Pikes Peak so he can blow with the wind to New Mexico (his words.) We will have a get together when Bri and I get back to Virginia so everyone can celebrate his life there too. He is going to be missed - he was loved by a lot of people. We are doing the scattering on October 3 which is the one year anniversary of his transplant. He loved you all - he is looking down on us from heaven while he's making the most beautiful music in the world with God!
If you know of someone who hasn't received the news yet please pass my telephone number on to them if they'd like to chat. I will continue to update the blog w/ new and improved news of our ongoing lives - Bri's adventures in high school and my adventures in being a single parent (which I confess scares me.) The blog site is www.hollidayfamilyinco.blogspot.com. Please feel free to stay in touch. He considered you all family and Bri and I would love to keep in touch with everyone.
Tonya Holliday
I apologize if this is the first time you're hearing this news. I tried to call everyone I had numbers for.
Bri and I are doing ok. We are moving to a smaller house where we can keep Dakota. This may seem sudden but Bri turns 14 on the 25th of September and she wants to be settled in a new place to start with new memories for high school. She is taking it hard right now. She went back to school today. We are moving over Labor Day weekend so if you don't have any plans come help me out. Specific needs right now are trucks b/c I need to make a couple of landfill runs on Saturday and would like to get it done in one trip. I am cleaning Mike's basement which is a nightmare.
This is a generic email to everyone b/c I don't have the energy to sort out the locals versus those living out of state - disregard if you live too far away to help. We will be having a get together soon to celebrate Mike's life. He didn't want anything big but I'd like to see everyone. He will be cremated and scattered on Pikes Peak so he can blow with the wind to New Mexico (his words.) We will have a get together when Bri and I get back to Virginia so everyone can celebrate his life there too. He is going to be missed - he was loved by a lot of people. We are doing the scattering on October 3 which is the one year anniversary of his transplant. He loved you all - he is looking down on us from heaven while he's making the most beautiful music in the world with God!
If you know of someone who hasn't received the news yet please pass my telephone number on to them if they'd like to chat. I will continue to update the blog w/ new and improved news of our ongoing lives - Bri's adventures in high school and my adventures in being a single parent (which I confess scares me.) The blog site is www.hollidayfamilyinco.blogspot.com. Please feel free to stay in touch. He considered you all family and Bri and I would love to keep in touch with everyone.
Tonya Holliday
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Mike
If you'd like an update on Mike please call my cell at 719/502-0172. I don't have everyone's telephone number so please call.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Mike
As most of you know Mike was released two weeks ago into home hospice. This weekend his mind started to go and he was talking to invisible people, not knowing where he was or who was with him and such. The nurse was worried about him hurting himself, i.e. falling down, etc...
Today the nurse suggested he go into inpatient hospice b/c he was having chest pains he described like a heart attack but in the center of his chest. He agreed to inpatient to help his chest pains and breathing. Without constant oxygen he has 60% saturation. His blood pressure and his heart rate along with his tempature are all over the place - yo-yoing up and down. They say that is normal when the part of the brain controlling those bodily functions start shutting down.
Once he got to hospice today he told the nurse he was a baseball player and didn't want any fuss and he was currently in Philadelphia.
On another note Bri started high school and seems to be adjusting after her first day. My older sister is still in town but since Mike came into inpatient she is leaving in the morning. Mason still has not contacted anybody in this family so I'm not sure what is going on with him.
Thank you to everyone who has called, visited, emailed and prayed.
Today the nurse suggested he go into inpatient hospice b/c he was having chest pains he described like a heart attack but in the center of his chest. He agreed to inpatient to help his chest pains and breathing. Without constant oxygen he has 60% saturation. His blood pressure and his heart rate along with his tempature are all over the place - yo-yoing up and down. They say that is normal when the part of the brain controlling those bodily functions start shutting down.
Once he got to hospice today he told the nurse he was a baseball player and didn't want any fuss and he was currently in Philadelphia.
On another note Bri started high school and seems to be adjusting after her first day. My older sister is still in town but since Mike came into inpatient she is leaving in the morning. Mason still has not contacted anybody in this family so I'm not sure what is going on with him.
Thank you to everyone who has called, visited, emailed and prayed.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Update
Just a quick update b/c I realized I hadn't updated in a little while. Mike is not doing well. Last night he complained he couldn't breathe all night and he wanted to go home even though we were home. Then he wanted to go to bed and we were in bed. They are increasing his painkillers to keep him comfortable. The nurse is coming again today. I have been told several different timelines but the most accurate one is once the fungus hits the artery in his sinuses it's a direct line to his brain and it won't be long after that happens. With his confusion and disorientation I expect the fungus has started towards his brain. He is having trouble breathing and is only breathing from half of one lung still. His blood pressure two days ago was 88 over 44 and then yesterday it was 140 over 90 so it's up and down.
He cannot talk much because his throat muscles are weakening which they said to expect and he's not eating or drinking much. If the nurse has any updated information this afternoon I will send another email otherwise news at 11...
His mother, father and sister came to visit and my mom, dad and older sister came out - my older sister leaves tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has called and emailed. The support means a lot. Thank you for all the meals, ice cream and coffee...much appreciated when I am sleep deprived and depressed.
Bri is hanging in there...she starts high school on Monday. We are doing life as it comes our way.
I know everyone wants to talk to him but he really can't talk much in person and the phone just depresses him. If you'd like to call me my cell is 719/502-0172 - if I'm able to answer I will talk to anyone who wants to talk.
He cannot talk much because his throat muscles are weakening which they said to expect and he's not eating or drinking much. If the nurse has any updated information this afternoon I will send another email otherwise news at 11...
His mother, father and sister came to visit and my mom, dad and older sister came out - my older sister leaves tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has called and emailed. The support means a lot. Thank you for all the meals, ice cream and coffee...much appreciated when I am sleep deprived and depressed.
Bri is hanging in there...she starts high school on Monday. We are doing life as it comes our way.
I know everyone wants to talk to him but he really can't talk much in person and the phone just depresses him. If you'd like to call me my cell is 719/502-0172 - if I'm able to answer I will talk to anyone who wants to talk.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Mike
Just a quick update that no one was expecting: Mike is at home in hospice care. The doctor said to us last week that we were between a rock and a hard place because the fungus infection was feeding off the steroids given for the GVHD so it was a no win situation. After finding brain matter on the optical nerve and the infection worsening in the sinus cavities Mike decided he was done trying to run a race with no finish line so he chose to come home to die with dignity. He came home today. He is on oxygen and lots of painkillers. The doctors give it a week before the fingus moves into his brain via his artery in his sinus cavity.
His mom and dad are coming this week. He is accepting visitors but please call first. We do not have a home # but I've taken the week off to be home. My cell is 719/502-0172. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
His mom and dad are coming this week. He is accepting visitors but please call first. We do not have a home # but I've taken the week off to be home. My cell is 719/502-0172. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Mike
Just a quick update - Mike is still in the hospital. They have increased his sinus surgery to twice a week and then the hyperbaric chamber on days he's not having surgery. He's not allowed visitors - we had to get special permission for Bri to go up on Thursday. He still has the fungus infection in his lungs and his sinus cavities. He still has GVHD of the gut and liver.
Dr. Bearman comes back from vacation this week so hopefully we will have more answers soon. For those of you who know me I'm still sober!
Bri is getting ready to start high school. She goes back in less than a month. Yeah me! Otherwise no news - will update when we have more information.
Dr. Bearman comes back from vacation this week so hopefully we will have more answers soon. For those of you who know me I'm still sober!
Bri is getting ready to start high school. She goes back in less than a month. Yeah me! Otherwise no news - will update when we have more information.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
News...
The latest and greatest....my family left last week. I loved spending the thirty minutes a day with them (I spent most of the time working or driving to Denver.) My mom and dad cleaned my house which was great and my sisters ran my child around.
Mike has now been in the hospital for a month. He is not doing so well. He still has a fungus infection in his lungs and his sinus cavities. He spends two hours a day in the barometric chamber and has his sinuses cleaned out once a week.
His GVH is a little under control. His diabetes is still crazy so they have him on an insulin drip. They're talking about possibly another month in the hospital to get his fungus infection under control.
Bri goes back to school in a month which I can't believe she will be in high school. We are going to see Eclipse today b/c she needs some mommy time.
Thanks everyone for the prayers and thoughts. I will update again when I have info.
Mike has now been in the hospital for a month. He is not doing so well. He still has a fungus infection in his lungs and his sinus cavities. He spends two hours a day in the barometric chamber and has his sinuses cleaned out once a week.
His GVH is a little under control. His diabetes is still crazy so they have him on an insulin drip. They're talking about possibly another month in the hospital to get his fungus infection under control.
Bri goes back to school in a month which I can't believe she will be in high school. We are going to see Eclipse today b/c she needs some mommy time.
Thanks everyone for the prayers and thoughts. I will update again when I have info.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Mike
Aw, my weekly update: Can I say that I am getting good at the multi-tasking thing. I discovered the hospital has a laundry room so now I can do laundry while visiting Mike so I don't have to run out of clothes! He has an exercise bike in his room and exercise bands for PT so I can do laundry, visit w/ Mike, watch the latest movies, work on laptop, chat on Facebook and exercise at the same time! Wow, I am the queen of multi-tasking!
Mike pulled his pic line out last night so he's pretty upset. They are putting another one in as we speak. He's having some visitors so he's upbeat - feeling a little better. I confirmed w/ the nurse he may be here awhile so we're settling in for a long visit.
He got plasma two days ago b/c his platelets dropped to 12. He's still using oxygen b/c he's having problems breathing. He's allowed a clear liquid diet - no real food yet.
My family reunion is next week so I will be a little delayed in updating unless I update from work. Bri is happy to have our PC back at home so she's been staying home more. I'm slowing catching up at work since I'm there more now (tired but present.)
Happy 4th of July to everyone. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts.
Mike pulled his pic line out last night so he's pretty upset. They are putting another one in as we speak. He's having some visitors so he's upbeat - feeling a little better. I confirmed w/ the nurse he may be here awhile so we're settling in for a long visit.
He got plasma two days ago b/c his platelets dropped to 12. He's still using oxygen b/c he's having problems breathing. He's allowed a clear liquid diet - no real food yet.
My family reunion is next week so I will be a little delayed in updating unless I update from work. Bri is happy to have our PC back at home so she's been staying home more. I'm slowing catching up at work since I'm there more now (tired but present.)
Happy 4th of July to everyone. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts.
Monday, June 28, 2010
News -
This is a little outdated: Mike went into the hospital on Friday the 18th for high blood pressure, high sugar, low platelets, trouble breathing and major stomach issues. He has GVHD of the gut and some other issues but here's the latest update:
Day 11: Mike has a cool nurse named Jon who wheeled him away for an hour of fun :) Down to Radiology for another CT of his lungs. They found the blood clot is still there and a mass in the lower chamber of his left lung that they are trying to identify which is causing his breathing problems.
He had another central hickman IV line put in today so they quit beating him up. He is black and blue from the low platelets. He said he had a bad bloody nose today which was still giving him problems earlier. Still has high blood sugars and blood pressure and needs constant oxygen. Still having some stomach issues but they've upgraded his food status to GVH1 which is bland boring light food - mash potatoes, chicken broth, things like that. His infectious disease report came back clean so I no longer have to be in yellow gown, face mask and gloves :) It was quite the fashion statement.
Hopefully we will have a course of action soon. His nurse said he won't be getting any sleep tonight because they are going to give him lasiks after the CT scan which will cause him to pee constantly for awhile. But he's ok with that since he is able to eat a little and not be so doped up on his nightly cocktail for sleep which is percocet, benadryl and xanax.
More on Day 12.....
Day 11: Mike has a cool nurse named Jon who wheeled him away for an hour of fun :) Down to Radiology for another CT of his lungs. They found the blood clot is still there and a mass in the lower chamber of his left lung that they are trying to identify which is causing his breathing problems.
He had another central hickman IV line put in today so they quit beating him up. He is black and blue from the low platelets. He said he had a bad bloody nose today which was still giving him problems earlier. Still has high blood sugars and blood pressure and needs constant oxygen. Still having some stomach issues but they've upgraded his food status to GVH1 which is bland boring light food - mash potatoes, chicken broth, things like that. His infectious disease report came back clean so I no longer have to be in yellow gown, face mask and gloves :) It was quite the fashion statement.
Hopefully we will have a course of action soon. His nurse said he won't be getting any sleep tonight because they are going to give him lasiks after the CT scan which will cause him to pee constantly for awhile. But he's ok with that since he is able to eat a little and not be so doped up on his nightly cocktail for sleep which is percocet, benadryl and xanax.
More on Day 12.....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Today
In honor of my little girl who is no longer little I have changed the font to pay tribute to whimsical dreams and childhood wishes as they give way to grownup demands and high school issues :)
Today she donned her pretty purple dress and her young lady air! She adjusted her attitude and curled her hair. She walked with grace and a smile upon her face, as she took her place amongst the other 8th graders moving on to Rampart today.
She will forge ahead to do great things, see strange places, work and play...the world is her playground as she grows up.
I was so proud of her today. Her dad and I smiled and waved as she walked past on her way to the dance - her very first dance with a boy named Jordan. Wow, time has flown by. Just a little while ago we were sending her off to kindergarten with a cry.
Then we moved to Colorado and she went to middle school. She's been to California on a mission trip, to High Trails in sixth grade and across the country to visit family and friends, always with a cloak of cool!
My baby is no longer a baby! She's a freshman in high school today.
Today she donned her pretty purple dress and her young lady air! She adjusted her attitude and curled her hair. She walked with grace and a smile upon her face, as she took her place amongst the other 8th graders moving on to Rampart today.
She will forge ahead to do great things, see strange places, work and play...the world is her playground as she grows up.
I was so proud of her today. Her dad and I smiled and waved as she walked past on her way to the dance - her very first dance with a boy named Jordan. Wow, time has flown by. Just a little while ago we were sending her off to kindergarten with a cry.
Then we moved to Colorado and she went to middle school. She's been to California on a mission trip, to High Trails in sixth grade and across the country to visit family and friends, always with a cloak of cool!
My baby is no longer a baby! She's a freshman in high school today.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My day from hell
Can I just say if there are any co-workers reading this right now please don't take offense (or just stop reading right now.) I have had the f***** day from hell. I am so emotionally unattached and that may come across as bitchy but I can't give people hugs w/o wanting to scratch my eyes out. It's me - I don't ask for emotional support and I am really bad at giving it :(. My day started w/ my office manager yelling at me for the collective F Up in our office - to which I yelled right back. Maybe one of these days I should worry about keeping my job. I just can't work up the energy for it right now. As I so poignantly told Mike that I am so used to the Denver traffic I could work up there and not bat an eyelash at it right now.
Then Mike had multiple doctors appointments - yay me! So while we are killing time at one Mike decides to call Mason to wish him a happy graduation since we weren't able to attend (and there is no way I'm spending more money on a losing relationship.) Mason's witch of a mother answers and when she finds out it's me she says to never call that number again and hangs up on me. So I promptly call back and Mark, Mason's stepdad, answers and I ask for Mason. While I'm waiting Penny gets back on the line and disguises her voice and tells me to never call again. Mason gets on the line and you can hear Penny yelling at him to hang up on me. He says to text him b/c he's got to go. WHATEVER! If something happens to Mike I am certainly going to regret how I inform those selfish, ignorant, angry hateful white trash people in that family. And then I'm going to inform Penny that I sold her guitar and Mason's crap can sit here until he comes to get it.
Mason never called his dad or even sent him an email/facebook tonight....
Then we get back from the dr appt and I find a mouse in my kitchen drawer which freaks me out. I about pass out from a panic attack. I hate mice as much as I hate snakes and dogs! Then I find out a co-worker (who shall remain nameless if not faceless) de-friends me from Facebook which would not normally set me off but she didn't de-friend the other co-workers and this was after we were told to be grownups and not de-friend one another to bitch about work! So much for being a grown up!
So this is the day I've had and it's now 11:54 and I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't even think I want to get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like crying...I hate my life!
Bri is promoted to high school on Thursday and I have no money to get her a promotion gift (even though this is not required.) I feel like a lousy mother! I can't believe she's so big. She is now dating a young man named Jordan so feel free to give her grief! :) I will sign off for now.
THIS IS MY DISCLAIMER: If you are a co-worker or anybody in the loser's family please do not respond to this and bitch at me. I will choose to ignore you! Everybody else, I love you and miss you and will be back with more news tomorrow! THIS IS MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND I AM ENTITLED TO IT.
Then Mike had multiple doctors appointments - yay me! So while we are killing time at one Mike decides to call Mason to wish him a happy graduation since we weren't able to attend (and there is no way I'm spending more money on a losing relationship.) Mason's witch of a mother answers and when she finds out it's me she says to never call that number again and hangs up on me. So I promptly call back and Mark, Mason's stepdad, answers and I ask for Mason. While I'm waiting Penny gets back on the line and disguises her voice and tells me to never call again. Mason gets on the line and you can hear Penny yelling at him to hang up on me. He says to text him b/c he's got to go. WHATEVER! If something happens to Mike I am certainly going to regret how I inform those selfish, ignorant, angry hateful white trash people in that family. And then I'm going to inform Penny that I sold her guitar and Mason's crap can sit here until he comes to get it.
Mason never called his dad or even sent him an email/facebook tonight....
Then we get back from the dr appt and I find a mouse in my kitchen drawer which freaks me out. I about pass out from a panic attack. I hate mice as much as I hate snakes and dogs! Then I find out a co-worker (who shall remain nameless if not faceless) de-friends me from Facebook which would not normally set me off but she didn't de-friend the other co-workers and this was after we were told to be grownups and not de-friend one another to bitch about work! So much for being a grown up!
So this is the day I've had and it's now 11:54 and I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't even think I want to get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like crying...I hate my life!
Bri is promoted to high school on Thursday and I have no money to get her a promotion gift (even though this is not required.) I feel like a lousy mother! I can't believe she's so big. She is now dating a young man named Jordan so feel free to give her grief! :) I will sign off for now.
THIS IS MY DISCLAIMER: If you are a co-worker or anybody in the loser's family please do not respond to this and bitch at me. I will choose to ignore you! Everybody else, I love you and miss you and will be back with more news tomorrow! THIS IS MY FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND I AM ENTITLED TO IT.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Mike
Just in time for another update: We saw the kidney dr. today who is admitting Mike on Wed. to the hospital. He said we need to get the water weight off quick and it's been going on for 4 months so they're finally admitting him. His sugar levels have been high, his blood pressure is high, he can barely walk and his joints and muscles are locking up on him at random times. Hopefully this will be a short visit. They can't put him in until Wed. b/c he needs to come off his blood thinner medication.
In other news: Bri's drama production of high school musical opening night is tomorrow which is the other reason he can't go in until Wed. Continuation (promotion to high school) is the 27th and she found the perfect dress. She may even have a date (news at 11 on that front.)
Mason graduates this Saturday. No other news on that front.
Thank you all for the birthday wishes and cards. They reminded me that I'm loved around the country. And in church this past Sunday Kevin reminded me it's not all about me - which I was having a pity party and needed reminding.
In other news: Bri's drama production of high school musical opening night is tomorrow which is the other reason he can't go in until Wed. Continuation (promotion to high school) is the 27th and she found the perfect dress. She may even have a date (news at 11 on that front.)
Mason graduates this Saturday. No other news on that front.
Thank you all for the birthday wishes and cards. They reminded me that I'm loved around the country. And in church this past Sunday Kevin reminded me it's not all about me - which I was having a pity party and needed reminding.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Rantings
So Mike is at 7 months old on Monday. He is still feeling crappy - been like this for 3 months - stomach aches, bruising easily, other abdomenal issues and he's retained so much water his feet look like balloons and it's working its way up his legs. He had CMV and they fixed that; they changed his meds and it didn't work; now they're saying it could be lactose intolerance so he has had to cut his dairy intake. His sugar levels are still insanely high for him so we're not sure what is going on. He still has blurred vision too.
In case I haven't updated in a little while Mike is 100% cancer free and 100% new blood. He just has all these other side effects to deal with.
Brianna is gearing up for continuation which is May 27th and her drama production of high school musical on May 17 and 18. She has a ton of stuff going on between now and summer so we are staying very busy. I cannot believe she's going to be a freshman in August. She is trying to work at the stables this summer along w/ all her other projects going on. Whew, time flies when you're having fun.
Mason is supposed to graduate on May 22 in Virginia. As far as I know Mike is not cleared for travel yet so we will not be attending that event. And as of yet Mason has not talked to us about coming out for the summer. I'm not sure what his plans are except maybe spending time w/ his girlfriend in Pennsylvania.
I have turned his bedroom into my yoga studio so hopefully by this summer I'll be lean and mean (meaner than I already am.) Work is going along. Sharalee, the new crim paralegal, is helping so much I feel useless. I am still out of the office a lot. We get a bigger office in June on the 3rd floor. Otherwise just living the dream!
In case I haven't updated in a little while Mike is 100% cancer free and 100% new blood. He just has all these other side effects to deal with.
Brianna is gearing up for continuation which is May 27th and her drama production of high school musical on May 17 and 18. She has a ton of stuff going on between now and summer so we are staying very busy. I cannot believe she's going to be a freshman in August. She is trying to work at the stables this summer along w/ all her other projects going on. Whew, time flies when you're having fun.
Mason is supposed to graduate on May 22 in Virginia. As far as I know Mike is not cleared for travel yet so we will not be attending that event. And as of yet Mason has not talked to us about coming out for the summer. I'm not sure what his plans are except maybe spending time w/ his girlfriend in Pennsylvania.
I have turned his bedroom into my yoga studio so hopefully by this summer I'll be lean and mean (meaner than I already am.) Work is going along. Sharalee, the new crim paralegal, is helping so much I feel useless. I am still out of the office a lot. We get a bigger office in June on the 3rd floor. Otherwise just living the dream!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Rantings of a mad white woman
So can I just say that life is unfair? Mike is not feeling better - same issues for three months and he's miserable. Work is not as great as it used to be (maybe that's me and my issues....)
Anna and her friend, Becca, wanted to see Last Song so we went to see it and those movies should come with warning labels for people in hell. It was so sad (and very on point...)
Mason is still a screwup. Do you think he's even tried to contact his dad since bailing on Spring Break? NO! Do you think I've changed my mind about the position I've taken with regard to that brat? NO! It just irritates me that according to Mason's BM (fill in blanks) it isn't fair for Mason to watch his dad die. What about Anna? Is it fair for her to not only watch her dad go through hell but to lose a sibling b/c said sibling is a self-centered idiot who will not realize what he did until it's too late? NO! Is life fair? No.
I'm just stressed and needed an outlet. My family is coming for our reunion this summer and I'm already stressing about family conflict - can we say some? Yes! Can't I just hide in the tequila bottle? Would I be strong enough to climb out of the bottle the next morning?
My spring/summer consists of: Anna's continuation party (and said promotion to high school) in Colorado; Mason's high school graduation in VA (and he says he wants to come to Colorad for the summer?); my BF, Hope, graduates college in VA; my older sister, Tres, graduates college in MT; my little brother graduates high school in MI; my family reunion in CO; a weekend trip w/ friends if Mike is cleared by the drs; and a ton of Anna activities to keep her life as normal as possible....my life sucks...
Tomorrow I will wake up and put on my tiara and purple cape and once again conquer the world - one small babystep at a time. Tonight I am wallowing in self-pity! I know I don't have the market on hell but in my world I feel all alone :( Thanks for listening to me rant!
Anna and her friend, Becca, wanted to see Last Song so we went to see it and those movies should come with warning labels for people in hell. It was so sad (and very on point...)
Mason is still a screwup. Do you think he's even tried to contact his dad since bailing on Spring Break? NO! Do you think I've changed my mind about the position I've taken with regard to that brat? NO! It just irritates me that according to Mason's BM (fill in blanks) it isn't fair for Mason to watch his dad die. What about Anna? Is it fair for her to not only watch her dad go through hell but to lose a sibling b/c said sibling is a self-centered idiot who will not realize what he did until it's too late? NO! Is life fair? No.
I'm just stressed and needed an outlet. My family is coming for our reunion this summer and I'm already stressing about family conflict - can we say some? Yes! Can't I just hide in the tequila bottle? Would I be strong enough to climb out of the bottle the next morning?
My spring/summer consists of: Anna's continuation party (and said promotion to high school) in Colorado; Mason's high school graduation in VA (and he says he wants to come to Colorad for the summer?); my BF, Hope, graduates college in VA; my older sister, Tres, graduates college in MT; my little brother graduates high school in MI; my family reunion in CO; a weekend trip w/ friends if Mike is cleared by the drs; and a ton of Anna activities to keep her life as normal as possible....my life sucks...
Tomorrow I will wake up and put on my tiara and purple cape and once again conquer the world - one small babystep at a time. Tonight I am wallowing in self-pity! I know I don't have the market on hell but in my world I feel all alone :( Thanks for listening to me rant!
Friday, April 9, 2010
NEWS!
A little update - it's been a rough week. Tuesday we saw the dr. and did a bone marrow biopsy. They are pretty sure Mike has CMV so they put him on the necessary drugs to get that under control. He also had a colonoscopy and that showed CMV as well. The preliminary bone marrow results are no cancer in the marrow. We will have more info on Monday.
He has a PET scan on Monday to see if there's anything in his body and we'll know what percentage of blood is new and what is old on Monday as well. Hopefully he will begin feeling better with the new drugs and we can get this under control. That is my news - no cancer has grown back in six months in his marrow! Yeah!!!!
He has a PET scan on Monday to see if there's anything in his body and we'll know what percentage of blood is new and what is old on Monday as well. Hopefully he will begin feeling better with the new drugs and we can get this under control. That is my news - no cancer has grown back in six months in his marrow! Yeah!!!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Mike
Just a quick update: Mike had a dr. appointment today. His fever spiked a little over the weekend and he's still having some intestinal problems. The dr. is concerned b/c this has been going on for 2 weeks now and getting worse. They think either cmv or gvhd so they are doing a colonoscopy on Thursday - I know, more information than you needed. The Nurse Practitioner we saw today almost put him in the hospital but his primary said to keep him out until we get all the tests back on Friday. He has to go back tomorrow for fluids, Thursday he has the C scope and a dr. appt and then his PET scan on Friday. I anticipate he will go back in the hospital this week if they can't figure it out. They said his liver functions are high (not exactly good since he's had liver issues before.) His bone marrow biopsy was today. We will have those results this week. He's not feeling well right now.
On to the other news in my world. As most of you know Mason did not get on the plane on Sunday stating that it was my fault for buying the ticket in the middle of the day on Easter. Most of you know what this means for Mason Holliday who is now an adult. Bri and Mike are disappointed and I'm angry - angry at him for being so selfish and being like his mother and angry at his mother for being self-centered and hateful.
Bri is settling down for her last 2 months as an eighth grader before she is promoted to high school. Apparently this continuation celebration is akin to graduation high school or prom b/c she informed me we need to go "Dress Shopping."
As always and never faltering I am superwoman, see my shiny purple cape and tiara. For those of you interested (read here WOMEN) I am planning a trip after Mike is cleared by the doctors which I would hope is soon. I am planning a MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS PARTY. St. Louis is halfway between Virginia, Colorado and Michigan so all my girls can come on over. It's going to be for a weekend and we're going to get hotel rooms w/ a nice pool and hide from the world in true Sex and the City fashion! More news on this get together in the future...
As always thanks for the prayers and thoughts.
On to the other news in my world. As most of you know Mason did not get on the plane on Sunday stating that it was my fault for buying the ticket in the middle of the day on Easter. Most of you know what this means for Mason Holliday who is now an adult. Bri and Mike are disappointed and I'm angry - angry at him for being so selfish and being like his mother and angry at his mother for being self-centered and hateful.
Bri is settling down for her last 2 months as an eighth grader before she is promoted to high school. Apparently this continuation celebration is akin to graduation high school or prom b/c she informed me we need to go "Dress Shopping."
As always and never faltering I am superwoman, see my shiny purple cape and tiara. For those of you interested (read here WOMEN) I am planning a trip after Mike is cleared by the doctors which I would hope is soon. I am planning a MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS PARTY. St. Louis is halfway between Virginia, Colorado and Michigan so all my girls can come on over. It's going to be for a weekend and we're going to get hotel rooms w/ a nice pool and hide from the world in true Sex and the City fashion! More news on this get together in the future...
As always thanks for the prayers and thoughts.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Almost 6 Months...
So we had a dr. appt on Thursday. They think Mike has CMV of the gut - not GVHD (graft v. Host). If it was GVH then it would have improved w/ the increase in prednisone but it didn't. He's going for a colonoscopy on Thursday, a PET scan and a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. Sunday is his 6 month mark. With the increase in prednisone comes blurry vision and general overall puffiness so he's uncomfortable in his own skin. They are tapering him off his blood pressure meds and tinkering with a couple different things. We have another appointment on Tuesday to see the doctor. CMV has a bunch of negative stuff that could happen - coma, liver failure, pneumonia, etc.
On to other news - I'd like to say better but it's not. I talked to Mason's mom on Sunday about his graduation from high school. Since I manage to upset her with every phone call and since she refuses to speak to me about Mason's airline tickets to see his dad Mason has informed me that he will not be on the plane on Sunday. His Spring Break is next week and I bought the ticket out of Richmond, like she demanded I do, at 4 pm and because it's Easter she will not take him to the airport. Then I asked Mason why Sunday was any different since he was an agnostic and he said that his mom celebrated Easter and I wasn't feeling very nice so I asked why she celebrated the rising of her archenemy since she was the AntiChrist. I know - not very nice. God made one miracle happen this Sunday so maybe He will make another one happen. Or another $350 down the drain wasted on an airline ticket that Mason won't use.
Bri is back from San Diego. She had a blast down there. She is getting excited for the summer. She will volunteer to be a camp counselor for Vacation Bible School and my family reunion is in July. Depending on what is going on with Mike's health we may take a mini vaca when he's healthy enough to travel. She has to wear a dress for her continuation party (being promoted to high school.) We will be dress shopping next week. My baby is being promoted to high school. I'm getting very old.
Dakota is good. He was professionally groomed last week and looks like a different dog - you can see him now. We no longer have the cat for those of you who knew the cat. He is somewhere where I can't kill him for peeing in my clean clothes. Nothing new and exciting in my world. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
On to other news - I'd like to say better but it's not. I talked to Mason's mom on Sunday about his graduation from high school. Since I manage to upset her with every phone call and since she refuses to speak to me about Mason's airline tickets to see his dad Mason has informed me that he will not be on the plane on Sunday. His Spring Break is next week and I bought the ticket out of Richmond, like she demanded I do, at 4 pm and because it's Easter she will not take him to the airport. Then I asked Mason why Sunday was any different since he was an agnostic and he said that his mom celebrated Easter and I wasn't feeling very nice so I asked why she celebrated the rising of her archenemy since she was the AntiChrist. I know - not very nice. God made one miracle happen this Sunday so maybe He will make another one happen. Or another $350 down the drain wasted on an airline ticket that Mason won't use.
Bri is back from San Diego. She had a blast down there. She is getting excited for the summer. She will volunteer to be a camp counselor for Vacation Bible School and my family reunion is in July. Depending on what is going on with Mike's health we may take a mini vaca when he's healthy enough to travel. She has to wear a dress for her continuation party (being promoted to high school.) We will be dress shopping next week. My baby is being promoted to high school. I'm getting very old.
Dakota is good. He was professionally groomed last week and looks like a different dog - you can see him now. We no longer have the cat for those of you who knew the cat. He is somewhere where I can't kill him for peeing in my clean clothes. Nothing new and exciting in my world. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Bri
So this site cannot be dedicted only to Mike. Bri leaves in less than 12 hours for her second mission trip to San Diego. She loves it. They go for Spring Break and serve homeless people in downtown San Diego. She has spent the last several months raising money for this trip and it means a lot to her. Next year she will be in the high school youth group and will be going to more far away places. These trips have broadened her outlook on life and has taught her to appreciate what she has.
I will update with the blog information when it becomes available. I am so proud of my baby girl (although she's no longer a baby.)
I will update with the blog information when it becomes available. I am so proud of my baby girl (although she's no longer a baby.)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
News at 11
So today was another appointment with the doctor. Mike went 2 weeks with having a fever so they thought his adreanal (sp?) glands weren't working and they were tapering his meds too quickly. They upped his prednisone to 30 mg and his fever went away. Now he has general achiness and a sore throat so at today's dr. appt they found what they think is strep throat. They are waiting for his cultures to come back but Bryce, the physician's assistant, said to start the ammoxicillin (again sp?). So in general Mike feels like crap and doesn't feel like talking so if you call and get voicemail don't take it personal. His white blood count and his platelets are up too so they are monitoring it. He is still on blood thinners to help w/ the blood clot in his lung and they removed his IV line.
Now they're concerned that his kidney isn't being flushed properly and there's buildup of toxins so they want him to drink A LOT of water. LOL.
On to other news: We no longer have a cat - Sox was peeing in my clothes so Sox found another home. Dakota is having panic attacks so he's peeing in the play room every time we leave the house. Not sure what to do about this yet.
Bri leaves on Saturday for San Diego and will be gone a week. The house will be silent. We had high school orientation for her last month and I'm not sure how we got to be parents of a teenager :(
Mason will be here in 2 weeks (once I buy the ticket.) He says he's coming - now with more holes in his head :(
Otherwise nothing much to report in the Holliday Home. Call, text, email, facebook if you'd like. You will always get me - not so much Mike.
Now they're concerned that his kidney isn't being flushed properly and there's buildup of toxins so they want him to drink A LOT of water. LOL.
On to other news: We no longer have a cat - Sox was peeing in my clothes so Sox found another home. Dakota is having panic attacks so he's peeing in the play room every time we leave the house. Not sure what to do about this yet.
Bri leaves on Saturday for San Diego and will be gone a week. The house will be silent. We had high school orientation for her last month and I'm not sure how we got to be parents of a teenager :(
Mason will be here in 2 weeks (once I buy the ticket.) He says he's coming - now with more holes in his head :(
Otherwise nothing much to report in the Holliday Home. Call, text, email, facebook if you'd like. You will always get me - not so much Mike.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
News today...
Just a quick update. It's been kind of crazy here. Mike has been running a low grade fever since last Tuesday (little over a week ago now.) He's been feeling icky and fatigued. We saw the dr. on Monday who was concerned about the fever lasting so long so he had a sonogram done of Mike's IV line in his arm. Mike has what's called a Pick Line IV in his arm with three IV lines that hang outside of his skin so I can administer his IVs. They did an ultrasound of the IV line because it wasn't drawing blood - just flushing fluids. They also did a CT of Mike's chest and found (as the dr. put it) a blood clot in his lung and another in his IV. They started him on blood thinners but the problem comes in that the blood thinners interfere w/ his other meds so there's a fine line to balance. We have another dr. appt tomorrow and Mike continues to feel crappy. News at 11...
In other news Bri leaves in three weeks for San Diego and her Mission trip. She raised all the money she needs for her trip. Thanks everyone for praying for her and the team. She is very excited about another trip to sunny Cali!
Work is work....nothing new or exciting on that front. As soon as Bri gets back from San Diego we're looking to get Mason's airline ticket for his springbreak in April. I'll update after the dr. appointment tomorrow.
In other news Bri leaves in three weeks for San Diego and her Mission trip. She raised all the money she needs for her trip. Thanks everyone for praying for her and the team. She is very excited about another trip to sunny Cali!
Work is work....nothing new or exciting on that front. As soon as Bri gets back from San Diego we're looking to get Mason's airline ticket for his springbreak in April. I'll update after the dr. appointment tomorrow.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Mike
I realize I haven't updated in a while so here's the latest and greatest...nothing! Mike is still in Denver living out the dream (I'm kidding.) They took him off the IV fluids so that's good. He's waiting for them to take out the IV line in his arm so he can play guitar and videogames easier. His CBCs last week were ok (his white count dropped drastically.) Otherwise we're just babystepping our way to the release.
Bri is heading to her mission trip in just 4 short weeks. Please pray for the team. Anybody in the Springs who wants to join me (and maybe Mike) at Chick Fil-A on North Academy Wed. night at 6 for dinner is more than welcome. We will be there fundraising for Bri's trip. She has raised almost all the money she needs to go. They will be in San Diego for Spring Break.
I'm still working for a living...not much else in my world except doing life. I'm looking for airline tickets for Mason to come for Spring Break and planning my family reunion in June - otherwise nothing going on!
Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and support. I'm hopeful this works and we can get back to the calm. Mike is looking forward to getting out and playing music again. If all is cleared w/ the dr. he will be going to see Sevendust play in the Springs in March if anyone wants to join him.
Bri is heading to her mission trip in just 4 short weeks. Please pray for the team. Anybody in the Springs who wants to join me (and maybe Mike) at Chick Fil-A on North Academy Wed. night at 6 for dinner is more than welcome. We will be there fundraising for Bri's trip. She has raised almost all the money she needs to go. They will be in San Diego for Spring Break.
I'm still working for a living...not much else in my world except doing life. I'm looking for airline tickets for Mason to come for Spring Break and planning my family reunion in June - otherwise nothing going on!
Thanks for the prayers and thoughts and support. I'm hopeful this works and we can get back to the calm. Mike is looking forward to getting out and playing music again. If all is cleared w/ the dr. he will be going to see Sevendust play in the Springs in March if anyone wants to join him.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
An Update
So sweet Nicole brought it to my attention I've been neglecting my blogging habits. I'm not sure who reads this so here goes:
The holidays in the Holliday Home were quiet. Thanksgiving was spent doing nothing (surprise there.) I think I even forgot to call Family which shows where my mind is. Christmas was a grand affair. I got my iphone which is awesome. Mike got a PS3 (because he needs more videogames.) Bri got a bunch of stuff (too much to list - but she got spoiled rotten.) My mother-in-law came to visit. It was a good visit. Mike felt well enough to visit with everyone.
We sent Mason his Christmas present - of course it's still drama filled. That's the life he chose. He says he is coming for Spring Break which is in April. Bri's spring break is in March and hers will be spent in fun-filled San Diego w/ her youth group mission team being the hands and feet of Jesus.
An update on Mike: He is doing ok. It's complicated so I'll try to explain. Most of you get the emails so this is redundent but I realized if something happened we would have this blog to read in the future. Mike is on a drug called tacrolimus which is an immunosuppressant drug that suppresses his old blood so the new blood can take over and graft. The range for the tac level is 8 - 10. Last Thurs. the level of 6 so they told me to up his dose from 3.5 to 4 twice a day. Monday we saw the dr and the level was 27 so they had us come back in to retest on Tues.
On Wed. she called to say the level was 38 and they'd retest on Thurs. when we saw the dr. We saw the dr. on Thurs and retook the tac level. They called me on Sat. and said the tac level was 17 - still dropping but still high. We see Dr. Bearman, our transplant dr., tomorrow for an checkup so we'll see what he says.
Mike's kidneys aren't functioning as well as they should be. His creatien (I know I spelled this wrong) is higher than normal so they're worried about that.
Mike has a PET scan tomorrow as well. We will be spending the day doing tests. On Thursday we have a dr. appt and a bond marrow biopsy as well. We should have some kind of news next week when we get the results back. Mike's 100 days are supposed to be up on January 13, 2010.
He has insomnia so he doesn't sleep much. He's been having some muscle pain - achiness and stiffness of muscles. We'll see what the dr. says about this tomorrow. His white blood count and platelets were down as well last week.
Stay tuned for news next week.
The holidays in the Holliday Home were quiet. Thanksgiving was spent doing nothing (surprise there.) I think I even forgot to call Family which shows where my mind is. Christmas was a grand affair. I got my iphone which is awesome. Mike got a PS3 (because he needs more videogames.) Bri got a bunch of stuff (too much to list - but she got spoiled rotten.) My mother-in-law came to visit. It was a good visit. Mike felt well enough to visit with everyone.
We sent Mason his Christmas present - of course it's still drama filled. That's the life he chose. He says he is coming for Spring Break which is in April. Bri's spring break is in March and hers will be spent in fun-filled San Diego w/ her youth group mission team being the hands and feet of Jesus.
An update on Mike: He is doing ok. It's complicated so I'll try to explain. Most of you get the emails so this is redundent but I realized if something happened we would have this blog to read in the future. Mike is on a drug called tacrolimus which is an immunosuppressant drug that suppresses his old blood so the new blood can take over and graft. The range for the tac level is 8 - 10. Last Thurs. the level of 6 so they told me to up his dose from 3.5 to 4 twice a day. Monday we saw the dr and the level was 27 so they had us come back in to retest on Tues.
On Wed. she called to say the level was 38 and they'd retest on Thurs. when we saw the dr. We saw the dr. on Thurs and retook the tac level. They called me on Sat. and said the tac level was 17 - still dropping but still high. We see Dr. Bearman, our transplant dr., tomorrow for an checkup so we'll see what he says.
Mike's kidneys aren't functioning as well as they should be. His creatien (I know I spelled this wrong) is higher than normal so they're worried about that.
Mike has a PET scan tomorrow as well. We will be spending the day doing tests. On Thursday we have a dr. appt and a bond marrow biopsy as well. We should have some kind of news next week when we get the results back. Mike's 100 days are supposed to be up on January 13, 2010.
He has insomnia so he doesn't sleep much. He's been having some muscle pain - achiness and stiffness of muscles. We'll see what the dr. says about this tomorrow. His white blood count and platelets were down as well last week.
Stay tuned for news next week.
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