Sex and the City

Saturday, September 27, 2008


Sex and the City


Current mood: nostalgic


Category: Friends


I never liked Sex and the City (just not into TV) but I watched the movie tonight alone and I have to say I realize when you find friends like that you should do whatever it takes to keep them.

To my friends around the country I MISS YOU! I miss getting together for drinks or crying over a heart ache or babysitting kids for each other to go out. I miss girls night where we play Scene It or pampered chef parties. I love living in Colorado but I MISS YOU ALL! From Devin in California to Jess in Texas to Hope, Michelle, and all my girls in VA to Nikki in MI and Carey in Utah to everyone in MT.

If I die tomorrow I know that I will be missed and when I wake up tomorrow I know that I am loved! I want all of you to know that I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you all again!

Cheers to all my friends

This was my blog on facebook the weekend of Bri's 11th birthday.  How far we've come since that night.  I watched Sex and the City 2 tonight - again by myself and thought back to that blog and couldn't remember what was going on.  Now I remember that Bri had friends over in the media room and I watched it in her play room while Mike was out with some friends.  I remember thinking that life was so hard and complicated since we moved to Colorado.  I look back at that night and thank God for moments like that when as bad as I thought it was it was great - my daughter was healthy and having fun and my husband was doing what he loved to do - jamming with friends.

Now I sit here watching the same women and again thank God for my friends.  I don't think I could have made it these last two years without you all.  I sit alone for different reasons this year - more painful and obvious but I know that I will get through this with the support of all my friends.  My circle of great friends has grown bigger and stronger.  I cannot wait to see all of you in Las Vegas.  If you cannot make it then I will plan a trip to visit you where you are...I am celebrating all of my girlfriends!

New beginnings

Just a short cleansing of the soul...I visited the Thirsty Parrot last night after the Witches Brew to talk to Dale about having a memorial service - wow, that was hard.  Then I said hi to Tim, the soundguy that Mike used to hang out with.  It was very surreal to sit at the bar and have a Red Bull...flashbacks!  Then I went w/ friends to Southside Johnny's to see Martini Shot which was an ok show.  The people watching is more fun.

And NEWS FLASH:  I got up and danced and didn't have a panic attack when some guy tried to bump and grind w/ me....I just moved out of his way :)

At the Witches Brew I had my angel cards read and she told me I was in a protective bubble and Mike was watching over me.  She also said I should trust my gut instincts and let my sexy self live again :)  True or not - it's sound advice.

Today...

Today is two months of silence; two months of discovering how to be a single parent (for those who knew me three months ago know that I was a single parent even back then and have been for awhile); two months of miscellaneous crying, screaming, throwing things and sinking to my knees in pain.  Today, October 21, 2010 is two months since my world shifted and Bri's world fell apart.  In those two months Bri and I have moved, she started back at church after a long absence, we've seen more family than I ever want to see again and have been touched by more love and hugs than we thought possible.  Bri and I are not naturally touchy people but we have overcome the obstacles and embrace those who need to embrace us.  Are we healing?  I'm not sure.  Are we moving through the grief stages?  Yes.

I cannot begin to imagine or understand what is rattling around in Bri's head.  She turned 14 and she's a great girl.  When I was 14 I was moving from city to city in Montana angry at my parents for living that lifestyle and wishing somebody died (I won't name names.)  I refused to eat b/c I didn't want to be fat and I spent hours throwing a basketball just to escape into myself.  I'm not saying I had an easy life but looking back on it I had more parents than I wanted - what is it like to lose a parent so early in life? 

I may not do milestone blogs for each month but this one seemed appropriate in the silence of my brain.  We scattered the ashes on Pikes Peak.  We saved some for the football field at Hayfield High where Mike had some of his most fond memories (and had the greatest friends) and we will take some to Japan with us when we make that great journey to meet his family overseas.

Later today....

In a few hours Bri and I will begin the long ride up the mountain to fulfill Mike's dying wish which was to be cremated and scattered on Pikes Peak so he could blow to New Mexico.  We've saved some for Hayfield football stadium in Alexandria, Virginia where Mike played football.  We have saved some to make the trek to Japan with us.  I am not ready for this journey to begin or end but Bri has requested that we do this and I will do anything for my child!  The camera is ready, the ashes are bagged, the gloves and scarves are out (because it will be cold) and the tissues are in the backpack - ready to wipe away tears of love, anger, frustration, rage, grief, sadness - but mostly love.  He is missed!

Update

Hello, all. I haven't touched base in awhile. I am having some issues which I won't go into. Bri is finally reached the anger stage in grief so that's where she is. She is going on our church retreat next month. We were going to go to MT for Thanksgiving but we have decided to stay in town.


We are scattering the ashes on Saturday and then going to Haunted Mines (which has become an annual tradition.) Bri has asked to do it Saturday so we are going to do it. We will save some ashes to scatter on the football field at Hayfield where Mike played football in Virginia and then when we go to Japan.

The new house is ok - quiet but ok. Dakota is settling in - liking his new home-delivered salmon dog food. I'm enjoying kickboxing classes at the gym. Other than that nothing new in our world. The weather is starting to cool off so we should have snow soon.

Hope everyone is doing good. Please feel free to call/text/email. If I'm at work I won't answer but I will get back to you.







Tonya Holliday

New Journey

A friend posted a blog about the lost art of silence...I don't think it's so lost as it is denied.  I know moments of silence...my child has a life of her own and you can find me sitting home on many weekends flipping channels and talking to the mouse in my family room.  It is self-imposed silence as the doctor told me I am the walking wounded and am exhibiting normal anti-social behavior.

I went to the doctor last week by orders of nameless people.  His exact words were, "Life is meant to be fun and you need to get back to having fun."  So here I am trying to find my way back to fun.  He also told me to get out of the house and surround myself with people. 

Here's what I think about silence:  We fill our lives up so we don't have to hear ourselves.  In rediscoverying who I am I hate to hear myself...I have not been on my own since I was 18 years old so I'm not sure who I am anymore.  Silence is deafening because it touches the very being of a person and overwhelms the psyche.  I don't know what to do in silence :)  It scares me.

Life is a series of journeys...every choice I make impacts my daughter who will impact those around her.  While one journey has come to a fork in the road as Robert Frost said, "I choose the path less traveled," (or in my case one not chosen.) 

I am excited to find the new me...but don't be surprised if in the moments of silence I'm overwhelmed and start screaming...it is after all a new journey :0 

I'm sure I'll see you on the highway of life...I'll be the silver flash with the radio blaring and the sunroof back!

This is a test of my mobile blogging. Yeah me

Mental Health moment

So I was pretty much told to deal with it...I wasn't and still do not think that I'm ready to "deal with it" - the loss of my husband and the first person to ever die on me in my entire world...  I was told that I was a major accident waiting to happen that everyone around me could see except me!

With that said after crying for about 20 hours and contemplating the silence in my head... I went to see the doctor who told me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be for being 6 weeks into a traumatic event.  He asked about suicide thoughts, sleeping habits, eating habits, work life and support network.

I told him occasional suicide thoughts but nothing serious (after all I have a child who has nobody left but me.)  I'm not sleeping well b/c I wake up in the middle of the night w/ panic attacks related to guilt (guilt is a waste of time I know this but it doesn't lessen it at 2 a.m.)  I'm not eating well b/c it's depressing learning to cook for 2.  I thought work life was going ok but they're the ones who sent me away to deal with it so in reality it couldn't have been going that well.  I generally have a good support network although I've been told I'm withdrawing from it.

So now we have the real picture of where Tonya's brain is.... the doctor said to get out and do things - do not withdraw into myself and sit home doing nothing.  He also told me to seek therapy - any therapy will help Bri and me.  So I am looking into that.

Since we are on the subject today we were supposed to scatter the ashes on Pikes Peak but I cannot bring myself to do it.  Today one year ago we were sitting in a hospital room scared and elated that there was a potential cure...how far we've fallen :(

After I was dismissed from duties (may not be how it was intended but that's how it was received...) I went to a friend's house who told me she was waiting for me to crash.  Well, here we are - the wall which doesn't move.  I get to figure out a way around the wall...

We will figure out a time to scatter the ashes so Mike can blow to New Mexico but he's not going anywhere and Bri and I need to be in a better place to do that.

I took the dr. advice and went to Bri's boyfriend's freshmen football game and then w/ his family to the Air Force/Navy game.  I went to the gym and had friends over to help set up the big screen.  I have volunteered for the welcome committee at church and the middle school youth group.  I am trying to force myself to get out of the house but balance that with Bri's need for mommy time (and lets not forget the dog :( )

Just my rantings....