Tonight...

So tonight is the last night...the last night that I will get into my Mazda RX-8 and drive like the wind...the last night I'll put the sun roof back and turn the stereo up and jam out with Theory of a Deadman. I've done something I've never done before...I walked into a car dealership alone and negotiated for a car. I'm not buying a car...Mazda is buying back my Mazda. As much as I love my car it's not practical for Bri and me right now to have the Mazda and the Durango.

If you don't know the story of the Mazda let me give you the short version: My Chrysler Concorde was stolen in DC as Mike did Chemo in VA after we moved here in '06. Geico totaled my car and gave us a check for $6000. We went car shopping...first sat in a Bug - too small. Then I test drove the car I wanted which was a Mitsubishi Eclipse - perfect. As I was test driving my dream car Mike was drooling over his - a little silver Mazda RX-8 that sat right next to the red car I'd driven off in.

Needless to say we got the Mazda and I have loved Bella ever since. But it's time to let her go to move forward. Bri and I will have the Durango that she has affectionally named "Bones," after the knuckle bump she and Mike used to do - Mike would say, "Give me some bones." At least it has a kick butt sound system that has an ipod dock :)

But tonight Bri and I drove to Castle Rock the back way to enjoy our final drive in Bella. We cruised at 84 mph w/ the sunroof back and Theory of a Deadman screaming from the Bose speakers and we laughed and thought of the great times with Mike - another chapter of the story written and the page turned...

a shattered soul

Bri and I got home about the same time today - she from soccer practice and me from work - to find the dog had gotten in the trash and it was everywhere. Bri was frustrated and I was annoyed...nothing new about this. We were talking about giving Dakota up to a good home where the owners wouldn't forget to feed him or spend time with him. As Bri told me she expected me to give her dog away with tears in her eyes my already shattered heart broke a little more.

Dakota is registered w/ the AKC as Dakota Holliday and Mike believed he was part of our family. How can I look at him and think about giving him away when Bri so clearly loves Dakota? Her heart has been broken enough this year. When I look back at what I was going through at 13 and 14 it was nothing compared with what she's had to deal with.

This week has been a rough week for me...I won't go into details here b/c I'm not ready to speak the words that will make me cry. I don't think I'm ready to cry yet. I don't want to be shattered...it would be so easy for me to find a good home for Dakota, the dog! But now I can't do it...so as much as I am going to continue screaming at Dakota and hating the 3 a.m. wakeup calls I will be thankful that my child will smile and have Dakota to protect her when I'm not here.