Thanksgiving 2010

Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving of many more holidays to come where someone is missing from the festivities.  Bri and I were supposed to go to MT to visit my sisters but our plans changed at the last minute.  We are very used to the plans changing so we take it in stride now.  Nobody would ever guess that I hate change - of any kind.  I've gotten so good at adapting that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We spent the morning in our pjs with Heather and Kenzie for Heather's birthday while her fiance had to work at the police department.  She made us fresh coffee and cinnamon rolls. 

Then we made ourselves pretty and drove the five minutes to the Chain Gang house where she spent the entire time (except for the five minutes to get food) in the basement snuggled up on the sofa with Jay (don't worry - there was plenty of adult supervision and random hand checks.)  We had a great time - made some new friends, ate too much and relaxed.  It wasn't the same Thanksgiving we had last year but I am trying to look to the present and future instead of second guessing what has already happened and comparing each day with last year's.

Today I got out of bed and started the tedious process of cleaning the house in preparation for the Christmas decorations.  Bri wants to go all out this year so come on by and help celebrate.  As I was sitting in the spare room going through Christmas decorations looking for the Christmas cds I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past...now my facebook page reflects this visit and all the reminders that I must deal with Christmas Past to get to Christmas Present and eventually Christmas Future.  It has been a reflective day - but one I got through unmedicated :)  I know that Mike is looking down from Heaven and enjoying a new, painfree life.  I want to get to that place here on earth of painfree.  I also know that Christmas was not Mike's favorite time of year because he drove for UPS and it meant more work for him.

I also know that this isn't the "first" holiday we've had to deal with and it won't be the last...but we must deal with all of  them one day at a time.

I called his mom and dad for Thanksgiving and my parents and several of my sisters too.  I missed some people but I know that they know that I'm thinking of them and I love them.  Jaydan's mom, Arylee, wrote a beautiful blog about the empty seat yesterday which made me cry but also reminded me that he may not be with me physically but he's here spiritually and emotionally and mentally.

Thank you for all the love and support.  As Ayrlee said family isn't the strain of DNA you have - if that was the case then Mike was right to be upset since he didn't share anybody's DNA anymore.  We are all one big family and we need to take care of each other. 

Life is a journey...

...all the cliches and the hokey movies and songs are right!  You wake up one day and realize that life is putting one foot in front of the other and just doing it!  Nike had it so right - JUST DO IT!  I am on the journey back to fun (maybe not today or tomorrow...but one day I'm going to have fun again!)

We had the most beautiful sunrise in Colorado Springs the other morning and the rays bounced off Pikes Peak on the drive to work.  I looked up and smiled knowing that Mike was smiling down on me and enjoying the view from above.  He's in a better place so why can't I be?  Why must I be weighed down with the guilt and the should haves and the could haves?  Why can't I let go and enjoy this exact moment for what it is...a step in the journey?

The therapist said that it takes telling your grief story 200 times to start healing from a loss.  I asked if blogging about it counted since so many people read about my pain and she said no.  I had to verbally speak it aloud so it's no longer mine to own - to let it blow away with the wind! 

Let the fun begin...

The Bar

So this is way off base but in the same ballpark as some of my other blogs.  Friday night I went to the gym and worked out with my trainer and then Nikki, a friend, invited me to go out w/ her.  She came over and waited patiently while I showered from the gym and went to to the high school to retrieve my child for me.  We went to CJ's Sports Bar which is a little dive place in the Springs but has great karoake (did I even spell that right?)  I like CJ's b/c interesting things happen when I go there yet I'm protected by the people I know there (I haven't been going very long but it's like the small town pool hall where everyone knows you.)  The last time we went a little Mexican guy sat next to me asking me questions and generally trying to pick me up.  It was weird b/c it was so soon after becoming single.  I  haven't been single in almost 15 years so this was a new experience for me.

Well, we went on Friday and got a spot at the bar.  I ordered my usual Coors Light (don't knock it - I wasn't supposed to have anything.)  Pretty soon Nikki is up singing her song and doing her thing and a guy comes up next to me and starts chatting w/ me.  Mind you I'm not very social - in fact I've been called anti-social b/c I have WAY too many issues to be allowed in public :) 

I don't think I've laughed that hard in way too long but it was fun.  I didn't feel threatened or overwhelmed.  He was just trying to make me laugh :)  He bought me a drink and left me alone.  A few minutes later he'd pop back by to chat some more.  He asked me what I thought of yesterday which I thought was a strange question...I told him I tried not to live in yesterday but learned to focus on tomorrow!  He pulled a piece of paper from his wallet while I watched that said the same thing!  It was a little bizarre.

Bizarre things have happened all my life so this wasn't that bizarre in the grand scheme of things - just off center.

I believe in the big picture and everything happens for a reason.  When I was 19 I walked into a concert in Washington, DC with a friend to see Candlebox b/c I had connected w/ their song, "Far Behind."  Little did I know I was walking into my destiny that cold night in December...I met Mike when a friend of his tried to pick me up and he threw me on top of the crowd to crowd surf.  One thing led to another and now I'm once again single and aware that everything is connected...

Do I believe I met my soulmate on Friday night?  No and I'm not looking for a soulmate.  Do I think God brings people into your life, no matter how long they are there, for a reason?  Yes and I believe Steven was sent on Friday to make me laugh and remind me that life is supposed to be fun :) 

Get out there and enjoy it - nothing good comes from looking at the past except to learn from your mistakes and move on!