Christmas Day 2010

Brianna said to me this evening that today was the second best Christmas she's ever had...she said she got to spend the whole day with Jaydan, her boyfriend.  I asked what the first was and she said, "Christmas with daddy."  I was surprised by this statement this evening since this is the first Christmas it's just the two of us...wading our way through a year of firsts and we're not even halfway done. 

This morning Bri woke me up and asked if I wanted to come  downstairs to open presents by the tree or if she could bring them up and open them on my bed.  We opened them on my bed - just the two of us enjoying a quiet Christmas morning together.  After that we drove to her friends' houses and played Santa with her friends.  We ended the sleigh ride at Jaydan's where she hung out while I came home to take a nap. 

This week has been hard on me.  We went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra in Denver which was the first concert I've seen in fifteen years without Mike.  Then on Christmas Eve I went to service by myself and then home to wrap presents by myself.  There was no one to share this quiet time with - just me and the Christmas music.  Today we spent the evening with Jaydan's family for dinner - another quiet affair where I barely saw my child except over the dinner table.

Now that this holiday is behind us we are moving on to another big one:  New Year's Eve/Day.  I remember sitting in the hospital at the beginning of 2009 and thinking that 2009 has to be better than the last two months of 2008.  And New Year's Eve 2009 I thought 2010 has got to be the year - Mike did the transplant and life would get back to "normal."  Now we're at 2010/2011 and I know better than to think anything.  I know that I need to get through this day - the next holiday in the long line of firsts. 

I was worried how Bri would take to this first Christmas - the day Jesus was born for our sins.  I worried that she would remember all the Christmases of past and be sad because her dad and brother were not here to celebrate with her or if she'd be upset because there were a few less presents under the tree this year.  She smiled at me and told me it was her second favorite Christmas - it brings tears to my eyes to think that God and Mike smiled down on her on this day to bring her joy (maybe Jaydan had something to do with it as well.)

Merry Christmas to all and all a goodnight!

SILENT SCREAM

AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHA - that is how I feel today.  How can one person be so high and happy one second and want to slit her wrists the next?  I hate this feeling...why can't I be normal?  Why must this be so difficult?  Why must I keep a dog that I hate and why would Mike make me promise to keep a dog he knew I hated?  Why? Why? Why?  Why me?  Why you?  Why any of us? 

Where is the manual for life?  What do I have to do to get through this day?  Who cares?  How did we get to this exact point in life?  When I was little I never dreamt that today I would be sitting in the exact spot I am and so completely clueless...

How do I get out of bed tomorrow?  How do I look at my child without bursting into tears?  How do I babystep my way back to normal?  What is normal? 

ahahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah!