Valentine's Day

So I knew that today was Valentine's Day - I even knew it was coming up last week.  It didn't really hit me what today was until last night when Bri asked me to go out and get her a couple bears for Valentines gifts for her friends.  As I was standing in the aisle looking at cards I reached out and picked one up that started out, "Dear Husband."  I about lost it in the aisle of Walgreens...and I thought I was prepared for that moment.  I put the card down, got Bri's stuff and came home. 

Fast forward to 3:15 and I get a friendly visitor in the form of a ghost opening my sliding glass door which freaked me out.  So that sets the stage of an already emotional beginning to what is going to be an emotional day.  I take my Ativan and Advil and proceed directly to work via starbucks first.  After all it is Valentine's Day - the day to show love so why not start w/ oneself?  I get to work and I'm doing ok - upbeat, positive, getting things accomplished...lunch time hits and everyone starts getting flowers and chocolate and other signs that they are loved! 

I hide in my office and start crying.  Caryn, the attorney I work for and who knows me really well, comes in and says, "You have two options - leave for the day or leave for an hour and come back."  I look at my desk and start to feel the panic rise so I choose to leave for the day.  As most people know about me when I get stressed I drive...today would have been the perfect day for my Mazda except it has a flat tire and I haven't gotten around to fixing it.  This is something Mike would have done for me, along w/ the oil changes and the car wash and those things...I know how to do them.  I just haven't had to do them in awhile.  He most certainly would have had chocolates, roses, a teddy bear and coffee waiting for me at home after work.

I got in the Durango and I drove and I drove and I drove.  I drove for two hours with the music blasting and the tears flowing...it hurts.  It feels like someone thrust their hand into my chest and pulled my heart out!  I thought I was prepared for this day...I thought I was getting better.  When I was so exhausted from crying I came home and curled up in bed, burst into tears and passed out.  Bri was home and a little worried that I was falling apart.  That is where I stayed until I had to get out of bed to deal with my sick child.  She needed something for her sore throat so I went to the grocery store.

Mike would have been forty today...we would have celebrated our 15th Valentine's Day together...exept it was just another day in a long line of days where I thought I was doing ok and I'm really not.

Last night Bri's facebook page wished her daddy a Happy Birthday and said she missed him and wished he'd come home.  He is home - it's us (the ones left behind) who need to go home and we will eventually.  This is the last of the long line of firsts that we've had to do differently. 

Now we are on to Vegas and then the summer where we are going to enjoy life - explore, live, dance, laugh and cry.  Thank you for walking with us on this journey.