Mental Health moment

So I was pretty much told to deal with it...I wasn't and still do not think that I'm ready to "deal with it" - the loss of my husband and the first person to ever die on me in my entire world...  I was told that I was a major accident waiting to happen that everyone around me could see except me!

With that said after crying for about 20 hours and contemplating the silence in my head... I went to see the doctor who told me that I was exactly where I was supposed to be for being 6 weeks into a traumatic event.  He asked about suicide thoughts, sleeping habits, eating habits, work life and support network.

I told him occasional suicide thoughts but nothing serious (after all I have a child who has nobody left but me.)  I'm not sleeping well b/c I wake up in the middle of the night w/ panic attacks related to guilt (guilt is a waste of time I know this but it doesn't lessen it at 2 a.m.)  I'm not eating well b/c it's depressing learning to cook for 2.  I thought work life was going ok but they're the ones who sent me away to deal with it so in reality it couldn't have been going that well.  I generally have a good support network although I've been told I'm withdrawing from it.

So now we have the real picture of where Tonya's brain is.... the doctor said to get out and do things - do not withdraw into myself and sit home doing nothing.  He also told me to seek therapy - any therapy will help Bri and me.  So I am looking into that.

Since we are on the subject today we were supposed to scatter the ashes on Pikes Peak but I cannot bring myself to do it.  Today one year ago we were sitting in a hospital room scared and elated that there was a potential cure...how far we've fallen :(

After I was dismissed from duties (may not be how it was intended but that's how it was received...) I went to a friend's house who told me she was waiting for me to crash.  Well, here we are - the wall which doesn't move.  I get to figure out a way around the wall...

We will figure out a time to scatter the ashes so Mike can blow to New Mexico but he's not going anywhere and Bri and I need to be in a better place to do that.

I took the dr. advice and went to Bri's boyfriend's freshmen football game and then w/ his family to the Air Force/Navy game.  I went to the gym and had friends over to help set up the big screen.  I have volunteered for the welcome committee at church and the middle school youth group.  I am trying to force myself to get out of the house but balance that with Bri's need for mommy time (and lets not forget the dog :( )

Just my rantings....